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Post by Cougar on Jan 15, 2005 8:02:21 GMT 9
This is Purgatory, so why the hell not. Laughter is the best medicine. The light side of getting older...........  Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in their social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the after glow of the magic moment they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my panty hose." ;D  |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 16, 2005 18:09:33 GMT 9
20/20 Vision: A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. She is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. She turns to her husband and says, "You know love, when I look in this mirror I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled up, my boobs are sagging below my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile, and I've got fat legs and flabby arms.'..... 'Please tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." The old man thinks on it for a bit and then says, "Well, there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." |
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MOW
Administrator 
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Post by MOW on Jan 16, 2005 18:13:25 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on Jan 17, 2005 9:00:20 GMT 9
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices that the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."  The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."  |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 18, 2005 16:51:19 GMT 9
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! ;D You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" |
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scott
F-106 Qualified
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Post by scott on Jan 19, 2005 8:30:53 GMT 9
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not have sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your rear." ;D |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 19, 2005 18:36:47 GMT 9
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi License?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Mississippi hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over and said, "Sniff on this one mister, you're the expert."  |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 20, 2005 17:55:37 GMT 9
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
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Post by Jim on Jan 27, 2005 0:00:54 GMT 9
Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office > wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate when his phone rang. > > "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. -"This is Paddy down > at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you > that we are officially declaring war on you!" > > "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is > your army?" > > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation. "there is > myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor, Seamus, and the entire dart > team > from the pub. That makes eight!" > > Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred > thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." > > "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" > > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is > still > on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" > > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. > > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." > > Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 > tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army > to > one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." > > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." > Sure enough Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is > still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified > Jackie > McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and > four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" > > Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must > tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My > military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile > sites. > And, since we spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" > > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." > > Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. > Chirac! I am sorry to tell you we have had to call off the war." > > "I'm so sorry to hear that" said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of > heart?" > > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints > and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand > prisoners." > TIS GREAT TO BE IRISH |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 28, 2005 9:32:34 GMT 9
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know. |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 29, 2005 16:39:43 GMT 9
First-year medical students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table where the body was covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities in order to be a successful doctor: The first of these is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rectum of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is that you must be observant. Had you been paying attention you would have noticed that I stuck my middle finger in the cadaver, and sucked on my index finger. |
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Post by Cougar on Feb 1, 2005 17:30:31 GMT 9
Things that make you go hummmmm? 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. OK....so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam. 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use -- toothpicks? 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? |
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Post by Cougar on Feb 10, 2005 18:48:33 GMT 9
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see A gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Well', she says, 'without arms and legs what makes you think you can satisfy me in bed." With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"  |
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Post by Cougar on Feb 13, 2005 17:44:32 GMT 9
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today." |
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Post by Cougar on Feb 14, 2005 18:29:07 GMT 9
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and watching two U.S. government officials who had been sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for over 50 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. And, you've seen all his accomplishments." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled . . . . "White man no think smart when he think he could improve system like that." ;D ;D ;D |
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MArv
F-106 Skilled
"Aint electronics Wonderful!"
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Post by MArv on Feb 14, 2005 22:43:54 GMT 9
I just had to send this one in! Enjoy - All! Did you haer the one about the Momma Skunk that had two little skunks?? Well, they were identical twins named IN and OUT and all the other animals in the neighborhood tried and try as they might, could NOT tell the two little skunks apart. Finally one day, a neighbor asked Momma Skunk about the two little ones, and how she could ever possible tell them apart. "Well " said Momma skunk, "You know I had to name them IN and OUT. There was a very good reason for that." "You see when even IN was out, then OUT would be in and whenever OUT was out then IN was in." "Well", said the neighbor, "That explains the names, but what about telling the two apart. Its totally confusing for us. we can't tell one from the other!" "How do YOU do it?" "Oh thats the easy part." said Momma skunk,------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- "IN stinks!" MArv  8-) |
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Post by jim on Feb 15, 2005 9:24:02 GMT 9
JOKE HAS A FAINT ODER OF IT'S OWN--------YUK YUK BE I BE A HAVING A COUPLE O PINTS TO CLEAR THE AIR THE OLD SARGE |
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Post by Jim on Feb 16, 2005 0:14:38 GMT 9
Say hey, the Irish One is back!!!!!!!!A bein use to rejection by women,car loans, credit card companies, women, bartenders and pinocole players, the circle is now complete-computers and websites periodically reject ME, the charming IRISH ONE!!!!!!!!!So to be a celebrating properly, I be a waitin till noon (here in AZ) to be a having a pint-or two , BUT, ifn it be noon where ye be, have one fer me the old sarge |
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Post by Cougar on Feb 16, 2005 0:21:33 GMT 9
I be a waitin till noon (here in AZ) to be a having a pint-or two , BUT, ifn it be noon where ye be, have one fer me the old sarge It be 9:22 here in Freeze-Yur-Arse, Minnesota, but what the hay I'll crack one for ya right now. |
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chiefothedarts
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Post by chiefothedarts on Feb 16, 2005 3:04:41 GMT 9
-At 1000 out here in rainy California, I will have one with you . I finally took a day off so here I am just checking things out on my Baby sister's 60th Birthday. We know our family is getting old when out of seven brothers and sisters, five are in their sixties and two are in their seventies. I will drink to that. Ralph
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