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Post by Cougar on Mar 18, 2005 14:21:43 GMT 9
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar. "Yes, I am," said the parrot. "Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you'?'" asked the man. "Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot. By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare him. "What's your name?" asked the burglar. "Moses," the parrot said. "Hah," the man said, guffawing. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."   |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 19, 2005 12:57:28 GMT 9
One little joke here fer ya! What is the true definition of a "Real Deal!"  A Titty full of booze! MArv  How about these MArv, a "Real Meal Deal"  |
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MArv
F-106 Skilled
"Aint electronics Wonderful!"
Currently: Offline
Posts: 115
Location:
Joined: March 2004
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Post by MArv on Mar 19, 2005 13:37:37 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Mar 26, 2005 14:05:42 GMT 9
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the Piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."   the Old Sarge |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 31, 2005 16:55:43 GMT 9
After retiring, an old salt went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He soon discovered that he had left it at home. So he apologized to the woman, telling her that he would have to go home to get his wallet and hopefully make it back before they closed for the day. "That won't be necessary,' the woman said, 'just unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt, revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. "Too bad you didn't drop your pants instead,' his wife said, 'you would have qualified for disability payments." |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 6, 2005 12:50:31 GMT 9
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. As he was purchasing his ticket the ticket agent asked, "What's that on your shoulder sir?" The old farmer responded, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, and wherever I go Chucky goes." "I'm sorry sir,' said the ticket agent, 'but we don't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chucky down the front of his overalls, then returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat next to two old widows named Marge and Mildred. After the movie started Chucky began to squirm so the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out to watch the movie. Shortly thereafter Mildred whispered, "Marge." "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy sitting next to us is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" askes Marge. "He undid his pants and his thing is hanging out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it Mildred, at our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's been eatin' my popcorn!!!" |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 10, 2005 12:05:45 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Apr 11, 2005 10:34:08 GMT 9
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
>
> Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
> children,
> grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
> college
> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of
> them
> three times.
>
> Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
> Man: What sins?
> Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
> Man: I'm Jewish
> Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
> Man: I'm telling everybody!
>
THANKS TO CAPT. BROWNSHOES FOR THIS ONE.
The Old Sarge
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Post by Cougar on Apr 15, 2005 13:23:27 GMT 9
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. ;D |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 17, 2005 12:41:46 GMT 9
A young man goes into the local pharmacy and approaches the counter. The pharmacist says "what can I get you young fella?". He replies "condoms, I got a date tomorrow." "Will that be a 3-pack, 6-pack, or 12-pack?" the pharmacist asks. "Well she seems pretty hot to me, so maybe I should go with the 12-pack." The next day his date calls and suggests they have dinner at her place before they go out. He arrives at her home and it turns out she lives with her parents. So they sit down to dinner and the father says "son why don't you say grace." He does, and it's a very long, very religious grace, with even a morale lesson at the end. After dinner he offers to help with the dishes. His girlfriend leans over to him and says "You never told me you were so religious." To which he replies "You never told me your father owned the local pharmacy ." |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 19, 2005 13:55:40 GMT 9
It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "$hit!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater. |
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Jon Van Skiver
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 6
Location:
Joined: March 2004
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Post by Jon Van Skiver on Apr 22, 2005 1:51:35 GMT 9
Here's one from my Dad's WWII scrapbook:
A B-25 crew were about to celebrate with their wives one last night on the town before being deployed, when, as luck would have it, they were ordered to go on a final training flight. The flight was rough, with bad weather, and other problems. The crew returned around 2 AM dead tired and retired to their rooms with their wives.
The next morning, the three wives met for breakfast, minus their husbands.
They started talking about the previous night when the pilot’s wife said:
Well, we finally got to bed and as I stated to get things going, he grabbed his dick and yelled "altitude, altitude, I've got to get more altitude" and rolled over and went to sleep.
The navigator’s wife said that was nothing. When she started to get things going, he rolled over on her, put his head between her breasts, put the nipples in his ears and said: "Tulsa, Tulsa, calling Tulsa, come in Tulsa", and then rolled over and fell asleep.
The bombardier’s wife said you haven't heard anything yet. I started to get things going and he rolled over on top of me and 30 seconds later yelled "who in the hell left the bomb bay doors open"
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Jon Van Skiver
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 6
Location:
Joined: March 2004
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Post by Jon Van Skiver on Apr 22, 2005 1:56:08 GMT 9
A couple retired to Florida and were puttering around their garden when the wife walked over to her husband, who was bending over tending the flowers, and kicked him in the butt.
The startled husband looked up and asked: What was that for?
The wife replied: That's for being such a lousy lover all these years.
After a short time, the husband got up and gave his wife a swift kick in the butt.
She looked up and asked: What's that for?"
The husband's reply: "That's for knowing the difference"!
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Jon Van Skiver
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 6
Location:
Joined: March 2004
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Post by Jon Van Skiver on Apr 22, 2005 2:13:52 GMT 9
Two teachers that were married for over 30 years got a divorce. The husband decided to look for a younger girl and finally hooked up with an 18 year old. Proud of his conquest, and wanting to get even with his wife, he made sure her friends heard about as he was sure they would relay the info to his ex. About two months pass and he decides to call her a rub it in.
He tells her he's got an 18 yr old girlfriend and is having the time of his life. She says: "what a coincidence, I have an 18 yr old boy friend and I'm having a much better time that you are". He asks how that is possible.
She replies: "you were a math teacher, its simple arithmetic: 18 goes into 60 more times than 60 goes into 18!"
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Post by Cougar on Apr 22, 2005 13:16:09 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on Apr 23, 2005 6:54:52 GMT 9
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is! : Always keep your condoms in your car! [glow=Green,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on May 1, 2005 8:50:39 GMT 9
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog FREE PUPPIES.. Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been out awhile. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer - $300 FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45volumes. Excellent condition! $10 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Freak'ng wife knows everything. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on May 3, 2005 8:00:47 GMT 9
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but one more outburst from you and I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." [glow=Green,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on May 7, 2005 5:25:17 GMT 9
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits." [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on May 9, 2005 3:02:58 GMT 9
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" .. . . . The woman replies, " It's Keith, the midget". [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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