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Post by Jim on May 9, 2005 12:14:05 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on May 10, 2005 10:48:55 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on May 13, 2005 21:33:11 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on May 16, 2005 10:06:41 GMT 9
The difference between "stupidity" and "balls"! Stupidity - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and being stupid enough to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next." [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on May 26, 2005 7:27:10 GMT 9
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee" The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant." And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher gave Johnny an "A"..... [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Jim on May 27, 2005 6:18:04 GMT 9
A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day, complaining > that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. > > The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. > > Watch this he said "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" > "Willie!" he continued ... and "On The Road Again" came from the > speakers. > > The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd > say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, > "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs. > > One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she > swerved in time to avoid them. > > "ASSHOLES!" she yelled ... The French > National Anthem began to play, sung by > Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed > up by John Kerry on guitar and Bill Clinton on sax.
Thanks to CMDR; Fort O'Weenie-aka Ted Schmitz
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Post by Jim on May 30, 2005 12:05:45 GMT 9
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf , it'll be hard ?"
He replied, "Holy crap..! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
Thanks to NUMBNUTS- aka Jim Day Convair Tech Rep for this one.....
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Post by Cougar on Jun 11, 2005 6:47:57 GMT 9
Do the Democrats realize that IF Hillary Clinton is elected as the next President of the United States that they will still have a BUSH in the White House? [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 12, 2005 6:42:30 GMT 9
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze ****on. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; you will develope a fear of coughing. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Something else to remember: Everyone seems normal until we get to know them. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 13, 2005 13:31:51 GMT 9
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly realizes she has to pass gas. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone wiped their a$$ with a pine cone." [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 14, 2005 12:50:04 GMT 9
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.! The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 16, 2005 14:37:20 GMT 9
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own......so does she. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by pat perry on Jun 17, 2005 2:08:28 GMT 9
GOLF TRAGEDY
Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing he realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees directly in his way. Unable to stop his swing he nails it and hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.
A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"
Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"
Joe: "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was"
Joe: "That was my mulligan"
;D
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Post by Cougar on Jun 18, 2005 10:50:22 GMT 9
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F##KING BEER IN YOUR G#DD#MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF##KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A$$HOLE?" ...and, they lived happily ever after. Ain't that a sweet story? [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 22, 2005 11:14:05 GMT 9
[glow=red,2,300]Military Humor[/glow] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards the Enemy."- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S. Navy Swabbie "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running -- follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan: 'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor) If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!" Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude and brains -- Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there! Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible." The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970): If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jun 30, 2005 7:57:43 GMT 9
Dear Abby, My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big foocking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the a$$hole will buy me a diamond. Sincerely, Bitchy in Fort Myers [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jul 4, 2005 13:13:15 GMT 9
Vanilla Pudding Robbery Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a very small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one-pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jul 9, 2005 14:51:12 GMT 9
"We all get heavier as we get older because, there's a lot more information in our heads." That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!!!!!!!!! [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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Post by Cougar on Jul 12, 2005 10:24:35 GMT 9
A bicycle can't stand-alone because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A lot of money is tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory, which he never developed. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. Thanks to "Mike's Good Ones"
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Post by Cougar on Jul 14, 2005 0:57:03 GMT 9
The US Navy has released a senior Al Quaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. As a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $100 US, a picture of 40 Virgins, and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released. Members of the ships crew stood on deck to wish him a bon-voyage. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow]
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