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Post by Jim on Mar 23, 2014 7:23:55 GMT 9
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Don Fletcher
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 72 
Location:
Joined: May 2010
NFL: Broncos
MLB: Rockies
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Post by Don Fletcher on Mar 24, 2014 0:13:49 GMT 9
Ever wonder what could be worse than a colonoscopy? You will know in a moment....
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MOW
Administrator 
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
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Post by MOW on Mar 24, 2014 5:20:58 GMT 9
Ever wonder what could be worse than a colonoscopy? You will know in a moment....  |
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Post by Jim on Mar 27, 2014 14:48:15 GMT 9
>
> Frank was a 'real man's man'!!
>
>
> A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
>
> He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
>
> Passenger: "Who?"
>
> Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
>
> Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
>
> Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
>
> Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
>
> Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
>
> Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
>
> Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
>
> Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
>
> Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his freaken wife."
--
In God We Trust!!!
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 31, 2014 6:53:40 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 2, 2014 13:28:03 GMT 9
Mark, a friend from another board had a Flight Engineer buddy send him this, and when I saw it posted I immediately thought of you.   |
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 8, 2014 12:04:54 GMT 9
Found on another board...
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Apr 8, 2014 12:30:36 GMT 9
Found on another board...
Dem Rooshins better do some checkin up, der are bunches of dem Rooshins in Nordakoda.
Jim Too, I tink.
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 8, 2014 13:10:35 GMT 9
My personal thought was, "Try it, Comrade, and we'll welcome your jackbooted minions with open arms to clean, hospitable GRAVES... Don't send anybody you don't want to watch DIE, Vlad."
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Post by Jim on Apr 10, 2014 0:05:55 GMT 9
from Capt. Brownshoes
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.
He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss, so he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 10, 2014 4:44:52 GMT 9
LOL, Jim! I wonder how the libs I know would react to that one... I just forwarded it to my German friend and she really liked it.
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 14, 2014 0:55:33 GMT 9
Couldn't resist forwarding this from another board:
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 15, 2014 11:18:10 GMT 9
Another forward:
*rolling eyes*
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 15, 2014 13:16:48 GMT 9
Yet another:  how old this is, but thought I'd pass it along just in case.  |
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 16, 2014 5:06:53 GMT 9
Pat Sajak on Twitter, talking about what Vladimir Putin would be like on Wheel:
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Post by Mark O on Apr 16, 2014 15:43:18 GMT 9
"A Viper Prayer"? Yea, that's about what it is. Uh huh. This is really how it is... Fighter Pilot --
An aspiring young man wanted to become a pilot ... a fighter pilot. He sent an email to the USAF making the following enquiry.
The response is instructive probably applying to some airline jobs ... especially a few freight dog jobs that see misfit pilots flying all over the world.
Student Email Letter:
I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF.
What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life?
What could I do to get into the Air Force Academy?
Sincerely,
DJ Baker
From: Van Wickler, Kenneth, Lt Col HQ AETC
Anybody in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?
LTC Wickler
Reply:
(A worldly, and jaded C-130 pilot, Lt Col Jim Smith, rises to the task of answering the young man's letter.)
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots.
Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:
What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch while the engineer is in the back relieving himself, and the loadmaster is puking in his trash can!
I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMUV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! Nowhere else can you land on a 3,000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-141 pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:
1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other 20%.
2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.
3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.
4. A foreign language is helpful but no t required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the Navaids in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the addressee.
5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.
Jim Smith
Lt Col USAF
(I've seen a couple versions of this, but the gist is the same. Stay away from fighters!)  |
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Post by LBer1568 on Apr 16, 2014 22:54:09 GMT 9
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Diet Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, sorry!
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 17, 2014 9:48:03 GMT 9
LOL, Mark! Mind if I toss that up back at ARC in rebuttal?
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Post by Mark O on Apr 18, 2014 15:41:49 GMT 9
LOL, Mark! Mind if I toss that up back at ARC in rebuttal? Uh -- Sorry, I missed your post. Of course! It's an oldie, but a goodie! |
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 19, 2014 2:16:13 GMT 9
Thanks, Mark--for some reason Viper jocks and their attitudes (along with the Navy's Hornet Mafia and theirs) put me in mind of the old joke about the Rhino pilot who was hassling a BUFF about "anything you can do I can do better"... and getting his comeuppance when the B-52 crew accepts his challenge and proceeds to shut down two engines in midair.
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how old this is, but thought I'd pass it along just in case. 
