|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 2, 2014 22:28:30 GMT 9
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best Lexophile is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
|
|
MOW
Administrator 
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822 
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
|
Post by MOW on Feb 4, 2014 12:09:46 GMT 9
How many Broncos does it take to change a flat tire?
1
unless it's a blowout and then they all chip in.
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 4, 2014 12:43:03 GMT 9
How many Broncos does it take to change a flat tire? 1 unless it's a blowout and then they all chip in.
That is cruel.
Jim Too
|
|
|
|
Post by ma1marv on Feb 4, 2014 14:37:51 GMT 9
M O W ---- YOU are OFF my Christmas Card LIST!!!!  MArv |
|
MOW
Administrator
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
|
Post by MOW on Feb 4, 2014 15:00:17 GMT 9
Hey, I'm not making these up, they're all over Facebook  I was routing for him. |
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 4, 2014 22:49:34 GMT 9
Hey, I'm not making these up, they're all over Facebook I was routing for him.
Jim Too
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 4, 2014 23:13:13 GMT 9
Apparently won the Squadron Super Bowl pool when he drew Seahawks by 35 points.... timing is everything Pat P.
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 5, 2014 4:35:04 GMT 9
· As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
· Irish Wedding
At an Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
· SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
· Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
· Drive By
a guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick b**tard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his weener with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
· SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 5, 2014 6:59:39 GMT 9
A TRUE Super Bowl wife !!
As woman sat down at her seat on the 50 yard line for the Super Bowl, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
"No," she said, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to My husband he and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in '57."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The woman shakes her head,
"No, they're all at the funeral."
I know, I know, it's older than I am, in one form or another, but still funny.
Jim Too 
|
|
MOW
Administrator
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
|
Post by MOW on Feb 5, 2014 10:19:31 GMT 9
Hey, I'm not making these up, they're all over Facebook I was routing for him.
Jim Too
Wait, I didn't put that in big red letters, and I meant to say rooting not routing. How did that big red thing get in there? |
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 5, 2014 10:53:55 GMT 9
The large red word must have been a Freudian Slip.
Jim Too
Wait, I didn't put that in big red letters, and I meant to say rooting not routing. How did that big red thing get in there?
Now, where did you put the post that you admitted your prejudice against all the Denver Shetland Pony fans?
Jim Too
|
|
MOW
Administrator
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
|
Post by MOW on Feb 5, 2014 13:56:19 GMT 9
Wait, I didn't put that in big red letters, and I meant to say rooting not routing. How did that big red thing get in there?
Now, where did you put the post that you admitted your prejudice against all the Denver Shetland Pony fans?
Jim Too
Ah, I see you were highlighting my slip, got it. No Way! I wouldn't put down anyone like that! I like Denver, I like like Denver fans, I like Shetland Pony's... that fact I'm not too broken up over the team who BEAT MY PATRIOTS doesn't mean I posted anything like that... or as you say, 'admitted' to posting anything like that  |
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 8, 2014 3:07:19 GMT 9
Texting Elderly
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 12, 2014 2:26:49 GMT 9
It's all about service
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
The Internal Revenue 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
|
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Feb 13, 2014 0:19:57 GMT 9
A man was telling his buddy sitting at a bar, "You won't believe what happened last night...
My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, what she said was... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!"
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 13, 2014 0:30:39 GMT 9
U HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 17, 2014 3:10:14 GMT 9
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Pat P.
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 17, 2014 3:20:47 GMT 9
Time is a River........
Time is like a river.
You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 20, 2014 2:39:46 GMT 9
And we wonder how television is affecting what our children are learning...
It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already preached to the adults in the congregation.
Now he was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
|
|
Bullhunter
Global Moderator
318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
Currently: Offline
Posts: 7,445
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by Bullhunter on Feb 20, 2014 14:28:42 GMT 9
Pat that is just a kick. Wonder what Jim will say?
|
|
I was routing for him.
