Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 20, 2014 14:53:16 GMT 9
Pat that is just a kick. Wonder what Jim will say?
I would have them sit on the floor in front of the platform and I would sit with them.
They didn't ever seem to realize I had a microphone on, and everyone could hear them.
Usually when one of them made some remark that made the congregation laugh, it didn't seem to sink in that they were the one that made the congregation laugh.
And, it was normally the parents who got embarrased by the childrens remarks.
I don't remember any specific remark, but the little guys were always a charm.
They have no guile and are always very open with anyone they trust.
You have to be very careful what you ask, and very clear, as children are very honest and may say things that they shoudn't.
I loved it after the service, when the little guys would come to talk to me.
Very often I would excuse myself from a conversation with an adult, so that I could pay full attention to the little guy.
Probably one of the most rewarding part of my ministry.
In our last church we had a lot of very underprivileged children, from welfare and drug homes.
They were so precious, and full of love for De and I, along with their Sunday School teachers.
They didn't get much love at home, but they got lots of it at church.
I always liked it when one of them would see us in a store, or other business and would run over to talk to us and give us a hug.
You have no idea how rewarding those hugs were, from those precious little ones.
The church we were in in Nevada we still visit when we go to see our daughter, and now the little guys are all adults, and most have families of their own, and are successful, and most involved with the church.
The Lord has blessed us beyond words, by allowing us to love those little guys and be loved by them.
I hope to see all of them again in Glory.
Jim Too
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 21, 2014 8:51:06 GMT 9
Why you should never react on impulse...
Bob received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in from the neighbor:
"Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 21, 2014 22:58:29 GMT 9
Never really cared much for David Letterman's show but this story by Jay Thomas is really funny. Jay Thomas tells his classic Lone Ranger Story on the Late Show with David Letterman. I had never heard this funny story about the Lone Ranger before but enjoyed hearing the ending as it confirms what an outstanding actor Clayton Moore was as he played the character of The Lone Ranger. biggeekdad.com/2012/10/the-lone-ranger-story/Pat P. Hi-yo Silver then there was... LR - Well Tonto, looks like we are surrounded by hostile Indians. Tonto - What mean we, Kimosabee? |
|
|
|
Post by LBer1568 on Feb 22, 2014 3:47:17 GMT 9
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one, especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . .. . it will!
|
|
|
|
Post by LBer1568 on Feb 22, 2014 3:52:19 GMT 9
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 22, 2014 7:24:27 GMT 9
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs, and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon, and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week, and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn."
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 25, 2014 10:27:33 GMT 9
Men!!!
An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the
night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked:
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of
the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife replied:,
"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."
|
|
Bullhunter
Global Moderator
318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
Currently: Offline
Posts: 7,445
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by Bullhunter on Feb 26, 2014 11:04:57 GMT 9
|
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Feb 27, 2014 23:40:01 GMT 9
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I want the SOB who pushed me in.'
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 28, 2014 3:53:47 GMT 9
|
|
|
|
Post by LBer1568 on Mar 3, 2014 3:14:17 GMT 9
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
|
|
|
|
Post by LBer1568 on Mar 3, 2014 22:32:05 GMT 9
50 years
of marriage..
A married couple in their early 70s are celebrating their
50th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish. !
So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The husband became 102 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female .....
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 9, 2014 9:18:17 GMT 9
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 9, 2014 9:23:02 GMT 9
Harold Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall ..."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ..."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away, she says , "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property"
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a$$hole had a paper route!"
|
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 9, 2014 9:34:09 GMT 9
 You Might Be a Technician if... - you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio. - you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends." - you think your computer looks better without the cover. - you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is." - you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. - you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. - the salespeople at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions. - the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it. - you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. - you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are. - you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday. - you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your person |
|
Bullhunter
Global Moderator
318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
Currently: Offline
Posts: 7,445
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by Bullhunter on Mar 22, 2014 1:31:33 GMT 9
Got this off another page as it caught my eye and I remembered the yearly physical test we did in the Air Force. In my 24 year career I do not ever remember seeing any officers running with us. It was all Airman & Sgt's. Wonder if it is still that way? Attachments:
|
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Mar 22, 2014 2:49:57 GMT 9
Got this off another page as it caught my eye and I remembered the yearly physical test we did in the Air Force. In my 24 year career I do not ever remember seeing any officers running with us. It was all Airman & Sgt's. Wonder if it is still that way? Oh yes they did- at least in ADC when they started the 'Robics program, the pilots were right along side of us- and NCOs ran the program. They also took part in the later "Fat Boy' Program, although it didn't look like it worked for them............................. |
|
|
|
Post by Mark O on Mar 22, 2014 2:59:51 GMT 9
Got this off another page as it caught my eye and I remembered the yearly physical test we did in the Air Force. In my 24 year career I do not ever remember seeing any officers running with us. It was all Airman & Sgt's. Wonder if it is still that way? They are a bit better than that! When I first came in we still had the "ergo" test. Basically riding a stationary bike while they monitored your heart rate. Yes, one could "fail." They then went to a real run, and included pushups, and situps. Your age determined the minimums, but the running distance -- 1.5 miles -- was the same. Squadron PT NCOs/Officers conducted the tests, but there was so much "cheating" the USAF hired a bunch of civilians to restore "integrity" to the process. (Sigh...) When I was at GFAFB we never conducted squadron physical training. It was all an individual thing. When I got to Dyess we didn't at first, but the last couple years I was in we did. That came down from the top of the USAF, and pretty much every unit did it. Yes, the officers were present, and participated. They didn't bitch near as much as the enlisted guys did! |
|
|
|
Post by LBer1568 on Mar 22, 2014 3:50:16 GMT 9
During my brief tour of duty, 1963-1986 we had the old 5BX program. We ran a mile and a half once a year. We had more heart attacks during the testing than at any other time. I always tried to stay fit and always did my test honestly. I was often asked if they wanted to add me to rooster. I always turned down the offer. But working flight simulation and being close to the aircrews, during Viet Nam all Aircrews stayed fit. I asked a couple pilots why they worked at it so hard. Simply put, they said if they had to bailout over North Vietnam they wanted to survive the initial event. They said if they could run a couple miles they could elude capture. So they had a reason to run...and run. Lorin |
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Mar 22, 2014 8:27:03 GMT 9
Got this off another page as it caught my eye and I remembered the yearly physical test we did in the Air Force. In my 24 year career I do not ever remember seeing any officers running with us. It was all Airman & Sgt's. Wonder if it is still that way?
Some years we had it, some years we didn't.
When I was at The Goose, never did it.
When I was at Nellis we did it, but it was a joke.
At Minot, I don't ever remember doing it.
At Ubon I don't think Robin Olds would have paid any attention to it, if someone said it needed to be done.
At George they wheeled a big warehouse scale in to the maintenance office and we all took turns getting weighed.
At DaNang, we did enough running from rocket attacks we didn't need PE.
At Mt. Home, I worked in Maintenance Control and was exempt.
Lately, as I visit Randolph and other bases when we traveil, I see quite a few Military, male, female, enlisted and offieers, that I wonder how they could pass any physical regimine, let alone the waist measurment.
I'm sure they can come up with a better system.
Of course, as Lorin said, they are using anything they can to get rid of people, and this may be just one more methods.
One thing I know for certain, I would never pass any of the tests.
Jim Too
|
|
