Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Read 38,938 times)

JUST BRITISH UNDERSTATEMENT

Travelling in France, a US Marine walked the entire length of a very crowded train looking for a seat before realising that the only one available was occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked: "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular: "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

"Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”

She snorted: "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting opposite spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

YES DIVORCE’S CAN BE VERY MESSY AND VINDICTIVE……..AND STINKY

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?

Here are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.... and


*1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. *


*2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. *



*3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. *



*4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. *


*5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. *



*6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. *



*7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.... Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. *


*8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. *



*9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. *



*10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'. *


*11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to WALMART?) *



*12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. *



*13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.... *



*14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. *



*15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. *


*16. You're never too old to learn something stupid. *



*17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. *


*Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's Be Happy While We're here!!*

Did you ever have "one of those days"?


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was
late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried
out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break
a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and
they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up
the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came
up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

And believe me, mister, as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her.

Bubba in Alabama

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway.

They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium!

And then the Alabama students began another chant, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'