MOW
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Post by MOW on Dec 15, 2013 18:18:32 GMT 9
Yes, after 126 pages it's time to start a new thread... Joke-Oh-Tha-Day Part 2
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Bullhunter
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Post by Bullhunter on Dec 15, 2013 19:39:05 GMT 9
Basic-trainee promotion
One day a general was traveling down the back roads of Lackland Air Force base when his driver lost control of the vehicle and crashed. A quick thinking basic-trainee pulled the general from the burning wreck seconds before it exploded. “Son for your quick thinking and bravery” said the general, ” I want to promote you.” “Any rank you’d like is yours for saving my life”.
The stunned trainee sat speechless thinking. “How’s about we make you a 2nd Lieutenant?” “Would you like that, a commission right out of basic training?” asked the general. “I don’t think so, sir” the trainee replied. “Well how about a 1st Lieutenant then, that’s a step higher?” Again the trainee thought, and refused. “Well son, Captain is the next step above that, and as high as I’d be able to promote you, how’s that sound?”
The trainee thought for a minute and sheepishly replied, “Well Sir, 2nd Lieutenant, 1st Lieutenant and Captain, they all sound good, but what I’d really like to be, well, is a Master Sergeant.”
“I’m very sorry son” the general replied, “but you have to test to be a Master Sergeant”
PS: If your an Officer relax, its just a joke. 
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Post by pat perry on Dec 16, 2013 8:27:18 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Dec 16, 2013 11:05:38 GMT 9
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 16, 2013 12:32:09 GMT 9
Pat, they really look tasty.
I just might try them before Christmas.
Just to make sure they taste as good as they look.
Jim Too
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Post by pat perry on Dec 17, 2013 14:25:29 GMT 9
Made a batch of this stuff tonight. You'll need a big crock pot. Makes 112 cookie sized chocolate/peanut goodies. Enough for you to supply a number of your neighbors. And yes, it's habit-forming.  Pat P. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 18, 2013 6:37:37 GMT 9
Got this from a non PC friend.
Jim Too
--------------------
Our PC culture at work.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS-
I agree with our Native American population---I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.
One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay....
We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men's lives.
Besides, the South shall rise again!!
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals---gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children---and it is all about the children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity--a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well, that goes without saying.... Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country's health care.
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Post by Jim on Dec 18, 2013 23:43:50 GMT 9
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 22, 2013 5:06:42 GMT 9
WALKING ON THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught
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Post by pat perry on Dec 23, 2013 8:13:19 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Dec 29, 2013 9:56:11 GMT 9
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is
the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National
Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very
cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to
be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh**load of
firewood'
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Post by Jim on Dec 30, 2013 11:58:00 GMT 9
For my hunting buddies….
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."
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Post by pat perry on Jan 13, 2014 4:04:40 GMT 9
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to...
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began,
her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here
at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him
with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F**k You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain.
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Post by pat perry on Jan 14, 2014 7:35:16 GMT 9
Key and Peele are two of the hottest comedians on the Comedy Channel. This East/West College Football video is a hoot! www.hulu.com/watch/547811Pat P. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 14, 2014 8:43:54 GMT 9
Key and Peele are two of the hottest comedians on the Comedy Channel. This East/West College Football video is a hoot! www.hulu.com/watch/547811Pat P.
Well, they looked like some of them.
Or maybe it was the Pro-Bowl roster.
Jim Too
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 14, 2014 9:04:13 GMT 9
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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Post by Jim on Jan 14, 2014 13:05:28 GMT 9
The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
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Post by LBer1568 on Jan 18, 2014 11:17:46 GMT 9
DIAPERS
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers
have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies poo in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em
and Pamper 'em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
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Post by pat perry on Jan 29, 2014 7:20:28 GMT 9
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
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Retired: USAF
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NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 30, 2014 2:05:57 GMT 9
Subject: Your Yearly Dementia Test
Your Yearly Dementia Test(only 4 questions)
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
#1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.
# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.
# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.
# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island , 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden , 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!
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