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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 24, 2010 1:35:16 GMT 9
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 24, 2010 0:55:55 GMT 9
now in all fairness to electric boat....we at boeing got a similar email concerning information technology transfer..mainly unauthorized information...or information that is classified or company confidential...and I can truly understand this one..
""E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)"
although it sounds funny...it's really not....they are saying to send a conversation via email but not classified information.....
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 23, 2010 11:21:50 GMT 9
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out "Uh.... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 22, 2010 13:07:23 GMT 9
well..as one that was raised a navy brat...and worked in the defence marine industry....I can attest to his accuracy..however at the time of this model's construction the A6 intruders were all reef material ...2006 didn't have any....oh wait...I take that back..he's said he has it in the 1989 config....so...he's pretty accurate then...nice to see the Ardvarks embarked on board...!!
one problem also there as I see it...it's one big target!!....
being a bubble head...(aka submariner by trade)...we see things like the Enterprise and think about breaching it's outer defencive parimeter and sinking the capital ship....
the amazing thing about Enterprise is it has 8 Reactors...they run 4 at a time....keep the other 4 in reserve..then after so many hrs..the ships company will switch to the other 4 reactor plants...they are relatively small reactors and only put out about 45 megwatts of pwr....newer nimitz class reactors are about 90mw's of output pwr...plus the steam generators to produce pwr for the cat's....it's an amazing machine...
The Air and Space museum in DC has a model just like this one..
Pretty cool...
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 22, 2010 12:54:47 GMT 9
oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! ;D hope you get yer honey do's done.......  Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 18, 2010 12:35:29 GMT 9
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris..
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f#cking number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a$$hole!'
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a$$hole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a$$hole!'
and hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first a$$hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an a$$hole!'
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a$$hole's to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called a$$hole #1.
He said,
'Hello.'
I said,
'You're an a$$hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
I said,
'Make me,'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'a$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole,'
and hung up.
Then I called a$$hole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, a$$hole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered,
'Well, a$$hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two a$$hole's
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
__________________
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 18, 2010 12:27:53 GMT 9
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years..
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes..
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted.....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 18, 2010 9:02:58 GMT 9
"That is awesome how the camera can catch those props." that's called the falling airplane syndrome....props stopped moving for the camera...  I used to be pro photographer and one of the things I liked to do was take photo's of planes...air shows etc...one thing to do with a prop plane is to slow the shutter down to about 1/125 sec...then let the camera change the aperture...it blurs the blades of the props or helo rotors and doesn't make it look like it's falling out of the sky..... neat shots though...I still love to take photo's of planes... Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 17, 2010 6:00:59 GMT 9
the suspense is killing me  Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 16, 2010 3:07:02 GMT 9
another blonde Joke Steve ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too. " The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." (Oh this is GOOD!) wait for it!! Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'  |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 14, 2010 10:58:14 GMT 9
I thought it was crazy but awesome!!
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 14, 2010 9:39:38 GMT 9
Tale #31 I didn't want to retype this in again so I went about searching the whole friggin web until I found it again.....by which time I coulda typed it all back in again?? ;D Hemmingways: I'd like to submit this one for my tall tales entry --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not a brown short moment...but one of my funnier incidents 1975 I'm on dorm guard duty...somehow I got it twice in one year...anyway...it was saturday nite and the weather was warm at travis afb. The nite was clear and calm...really warm to say the least but that was Northern Calif in the summer time. Our barrack was along the North Gate fence I think. ..it's been a long time so I'm pretty sure that's the direction and as some might remember..Travis was leased to the AF from this Sheep Farmer for a 99yr lease...his family at the time still raised sheep and they would graze along the fence at times... Well..bout 2:30 or 3am I am making rounds and hear the sheep running from one end of the fence to the other...I had stepped out of the door to take in some air and heard the sheep running one way..and then the other...then I shined my flashlight onto the fence to see hanging up a set of AF greenie uniform...then I caught this flash go by of some nut in his combat boots running around drunk as a skunk...chasing the sheep...now...I'm from Fla and have never seen anything like this in my life...so...I called the base cops....they come out and tried calling to this idiot, that's as drunk as he was and able to climb a fence...stripped down...and was chasing sheep to shag... of course they couldn't go over the fence to get this nut..so....yep...you guessed it....they called the Solano county sherriff's office which sent a squad car out to get this nut.....by now he's tripped and fallen into the dirt.....breathing hard...sweaty as all get out..then... here comes the sherriff...bout now this idiot gets a second wind and starts running thru the field all the while BUCK NEKKED in his combat boots with the keystone sherriff in hot pursuit.....tripping over sheep...sheep Sh#t...dirt....and anything else that was in that field...when the sherriff finally got him after backup showed up....they weren't kind to this guy....they were mad as hell for messing up their nice crisp uniforms.... I don't remember what happened too him...but I have to think that the Sqdn commander was called up at 4am to go get this clown out of jail..... me and the cops were laughing so hard we could hardly stand up.... true story guys..... Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 11, 2010 2:28:39 GMT 9
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm
in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in
the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh no!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 11, 2010 1:56:19 GMT 9
Tale #30
since I got some time left, and I already wrote this one...I'll submit it as one of the tall tales.
Steve
------------------------------------
sometimes during this time of yr...I start thinking of snow...ok..well..my wife does...which always amazes me how some people will freak out at the mention of snow...(Washatonians are notable for not being able to drive in the snow)
when I hear this ..I always go back to my time stationed at Grand Forks AFB...
now ...I guess I should mention here that I'm basically a Florida boy...grew up on the south eastern seaboard and gulf coast...so..barefoot and in cutoff's was the norm for me....
well...after my stay at Hamilton AFB ( the country club of the west coast)...I got orders for Da Nang...3 times...and since I am a sole surviving son...the AF at the time couldn't send me there...so..in thier brilliant minds, figured they couldn't shoot my butt...they might as well freeze it off!!!!...Da Nang was off the books for me(not that I'm disappointed but I did put in for worldwide)..
well..Grand Forks wasn't the lush place I imagined....table top flat....trees along each side of the road....and about as boring as one could get...
My indoctrination began with 2 weeks of Base intro and NBC training...WHAT??? ..Nuclear, Biological and Chemical training???......I'm an office puke..what the heck do I need to know about NBC??..well.....it turns out that as all of you know at the time GFAFB is a SAC base...bombers and missiles are the rule of the day here...everything else existed to support those assets...
now...I'm something like 20 yrs old...hormones are screaming....women are around (even if some do resemble cows there) and canada is just oh what...50 mi. north where Winnipeg it seems has women that like American GI's....(by the way..I think the women there save it all up for breeding season in the spring and summer )
I spend my first winter there freeeeeeeezinng....I mean..I'd never seen so much snow fall in one month...I was stationed on base and my barracks (lived on the 3rd floor) had snow half way up the windows....we actually dug a tunnel from our barracks in the snow to the chow hall !!...I watched a snow blower (actually heard it and saw the plume of snow) chew up some poor guys car cuz he didn't get it parked far enough into the slot in the parking lot!!...and to plug your car into a wall outlet to keep the block warm???How Crazy is that???
now...after the 3rd month there...I'm thinking ..."Self???there ain't enough alchohol on the planet to live thru this place"....
it was exciting at times....between stints of being sober enough and some of the awesome displays of airpower.....I got pulled as a JAFO (just another f#cking observer)or GIB (Guy in back) for one of the hueys we had for air support of a missile convoy...( I didn't know I could actually see my lung in the barf bag before!!! ..to this day I still can't stand the smell of 7up)...having a helo driver freshly transfered from Nam didn't help either....he was certifiably nuts....I didn't know a huey could do that kind of flying before!!
one nite...myself and a young lady were out in a field...on a blanket...( it was warm that nite)...doing the horizontal mamba when I looked up to see the Northern Lights!!...now..picture a florida kid fresh out of NBC training seeing this giant lights in the sky!!...of course I about had heart failure ...which the girl thought I was in ecstasy from the passion....she didn't know until I jumped up that I thought it was a nuclear attack!!!
after I'd served my penance in the frozen tundra...I was transfered to Travis AFB....at least there I didn't freeze to death or experience a nuclear attack gone badly....
thought you guys might like my story and yes...it's all true..
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 10, 2010 13:48:22 GMT 9
Mohammed just arrived in the United States and was
enrolled in an American School...
He entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed", he replied
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Kevin," said the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!", and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to
You little Kevin"?
"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two f#ckin' Arabs."
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 9, 2010 7:39:09 GMT 9
BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.' He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.' Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.' Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema , and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!' Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 8, 2010 13:02:52 GMT 9
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide... Let's see now.....
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No golf
No tailgate parties
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave...
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there any mystery here?
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 5, 2010 12:27:16 GMT 9
ah....for some reason I was thinking it was the 2nd feb....I got more time to think up some more lies...um......stories....yeah....that's it....stories from the past..to post...
thanks
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 5, 2010 11:04:53 GMT 9
Well???....what's the verdict there judges??...did I loose??(which it's a probable )
who won the coveted trophy???..
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 5, 2010 9:16:58 GMT 9
well..I have a colt 1911 combat commander .45acp...I think I'd unload on him..reload...and unload agin!!!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was designed to be a lie detector.
That evening, Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school, over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair again. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Steve
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