Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 1, 2013 22:33:59 GMT 9
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his
daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife,
"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have
accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, “Property shmoperty... the schmuck had a newspaper route."
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Post by pat perry on Oct 1, 2013 23:33:11 GMT 9
A bit of confusion at Cabela's...There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of guns and ammo the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and laughing finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! Pat P. 
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Post by falconkeeper on Oct 2, 2013 0:02:28 GMT 9
I didn't know if I should post this "Quotes" or not, but this is too good not to post somewhere. From accordingtohoyt.com/ "Drink More Vodka" There are two types of people in the world. Those who want to tell everyone what to do and how to do it, and those who have fond fantasies of holding them under water until bubbles stop coming up. PS I am the second type. |
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Post by Jim on Oct 2, 2013 9:10:48 GMT 9
I didn't know if I should post this "Quotes" or not, but this is too good not to post somewhere. From accordingtohoyt.com/ "Drink More Vodka" There are two types of people in the world. Those who want to tell everyone what to do and how to do it, and those who have fond fantasies of holding them under water until bubbles stop coming up. PS I am the second type. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 5, 2013 11:34:20 GMT 9
HOSPITAL BILL
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a num."
The nun becameagitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are
married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Post by Jim on Oct 7, 2013 7:12:22 GMT 9
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Oct 15, 2013 23:43:45 GMT 9
I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my "Obamacare
enrollment packet" from the White House. It contained:
. An aspirin and a band-aid.
. An 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker . A 'Bush's Fault' yard sign . A
'Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody' poster . A 'Tax the
Rich' banner . An application for unemployment and a free cell phone . An
application for food stamps . A prayer rug . A letter assigning my debt to
my grandchildren . And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my
rear.
Everything was made in "China" and all directions were in Spanish.
Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Oct 22, 2013 4:55:50 GMT 9
A 65 year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovering, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
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Post by pat perry on Oct 22, 2013 6:13:37 GMT 9
Crow Road-kills
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that
they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors
of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these
paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed
by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a
car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was
a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when
crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the
lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Amazing!
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Post by Jim on Oct 23, 2013 0:22:03 GMT 9
 It really ain't funny......................... Do you know what happened 163 years ago this summer.... September 9, 1850? California became a state! The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically NOTHING has changed except, then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands. That, my friends, is the history lesson for today. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 25, 2013 22:01:52 GMT 9
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today son?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. One sale a day might have been acceptable in
North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
Boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
Coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
The boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
Him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
A boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
And I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should goFishing.........
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 26, 2013 8:56:15 GMT 9
Bad Day
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Post by Jim on Oct 30, 2013 9:25:09 GMT 9
AIN'T SURE THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  |
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Post by Jim on Nov 2, 2013 9:21:42 GMT 9
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,
'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich ....
beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you,
there's going to be a string attached.
Pretty straight forward,...
THE SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into 'Jackson County' language....no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN).
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day now ya hear!
And bless your little heart....
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Post by pat perry on Nov 10, 2013 2:54:07 GMT 9
A man leaves home, takes 3 left turns and returns home to see 2 guys with masks.
Who are the 2 men?
Hold your left mouse button down and highlight this entire line across the page: The catcher and the umpire
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Post by Jim on Nov 18, 2013 1:12:05 GMT 9
 ain't sure this is a joke- couldn't resist |
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Post by Jim on Nov 23, 2013 10:39:28 GMT 9
I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.
They all hang together--half of the little bastards don't work--and the ones that do, aren't that bright.
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Post by Mark O on Dec 5, 2013 22:02:04 GMT 9
COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . . 65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in North Dakota plant gardens. 60 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in North Dakota sunbathe. 50 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in North Dakota drive with the windows down. 40 above zero: Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats. People in North Dakota throw on a flannel shirt. 35 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in North Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold. 20 above zero: People in Miami all die. People in North Dakota close the windows. Zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in North Dakota get out their winter coats. 10 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in North Dakota are selling cookies door to door. 20 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in North Dakota let the dogs sleep indoors. 30 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in North Dakota get upset because they can't start the snowmobile. 40 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops. People in North Dakota start saying...""Cold enough foh ya?"" 50 below zero: Hell freezes over. North Dakota public schools will open 2 hours late"  |
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Post by Jim on Dec 8, 2013 12:36:56 GMT 9
AIN'T Sure if this is a joke or what is coming next..........................
Here's something we really need to supplement the President's legacy.
Americans With No Abilities Act (AWAA)
President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50% of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring people with no abilities (63%).
Under the AWAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of POI folks into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey.
"This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
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Post by LBer1568 on Dec 9, 2013 12:38:06 GMT 9
A Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, Being a typical
male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I
played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car,
I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing. |
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