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Post by Jim on Aug 13, 2013 4:08:03 GMT 9
Paper is not dead..... *:-? thinking
It has been said that paper is a thing of the past....
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 13, 2013 4:39:16 GMT 9
Now I can understand the computer revolution better.
Lorin
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Aug 16, 2013 2:10:45 GMT 9
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
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Post by Jim on Aug 18, 2013 3:52:50 GMT 9
 Subject: One more for my AFA buddies- source a retiree who flew bombers Once upon a time, after the Big War, there was this scud running former fighter pilot caught by nightfall's rapid approach with commensurately dwindling visibility, better find a field FAST! Our intrepid aviator at the last minute gets a glimpse of a field of new mown hay through a hole in the clouds. Relieved at his good fortune, he lands and taxis up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer comes out onto the front porch and says, "You can spend the night in the barn, but stay away from my daughter." As he lay down, starting to doze off, said daughter brought him a plate of supper. The conversation led to romance and the farmer's number one rule was broken. As dawn broke our hero got long gone. Some seven years later, the pilot passed over the farm and decided to land and pay a visit. However, as he approached the house he saw a six-year-old boy standing in the front yard with the object of his former passion. The daughter, sensing his question said, "Yes, this is your son." "Why didn't you let me know, I would've done the right thing," he said. The daughter then replied, "We discussed it, even prayed about it, but in the end we thought it was better to have a bastard in the family than a fighter pilot.” |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 2, 2013 23:26:08 GMT 9
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Post by pat perry on Sept 3, 2013 1:14:58 GMT 9
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
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Post by Jim on Sept 3, 2013 5:43:25 GMT 9
I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY JOKE IN THIS ONE.................................
MLN
"As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron."
----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE A "REPUBLIC"?
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Post by pat perry on Sept 3, 2013 8:23:22 GMT 9
I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY JOKE IN THIS ONE.................................MLN "As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron." ----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE A "REPUBLIC"? Jim, What joke are you referring to? There are 122 pages of them. What is MLN? Pat P. |
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Post by Jim on Sept 3, 2013 9:30:24 GMT 9
quote author=" pat perry" source="/post/44160/thread" timestamp="1378164202"] I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY JOKE IN THIS ONE.................................MLN "As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron." ----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE A "REPUBLIC"? Jim, What joke are you referring to? There are 122 pages of them. What is MLN? Pat P. [/quote]  |
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Post by pat perry on Sept 3, 2013 9:51:12 GMT 9
quote author=" pat perry" source="/post/44160/thread" timestamp="1378164202"] I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY JOKE IN THIS ONE.................................MLN "As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron." ----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE A "REPUBLIC"? Jim, What joke are you referring to? There are 122 pages of them. What is MLN? Pat P. [/quote] Oh, I think I understand. You were not referring to a prior posted joke. You are talking about the quote by H.L. Mencken. But I still don't know what "MLN" means. Is that an acronym for something? Pat P. |
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Post by Jim on Sept 3, 2013 13:59:55 GMT 9
Pat, MLN might be the initials of an earlier fwder?  ?? |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 3, 2013 22:16:47 GMT 9
ITALIAN AUCTION
A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."
Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
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Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
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MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Sept 4, 2013 0:54:40 GMT 9
ITALIAN AUCTION A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros." Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid. =
Seems the Europeans are better at making humorous ads than in America.
Jim Too |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Sept 4, 2013 1:06:57 GMT 9
Subject: The Game of Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
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Post by pat perry on Sept 5, 2013 8:38:08 GMT 9
This may have already been posted but it's too good to pass up. Pat P. I have had many remarkable nature photographs sent to me over the years, but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most exceptional nature shot that I have ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking and notice the passive posture it takes while on the nest. i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpgor enlarge this  Pat P.  |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 11, 2013 0:03:06 GMT 9
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!
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MOW
Administrator 
Owner/Operator
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Post by MOW on Sept 11, 2013 16:58:03 GMT 9
That's a good one Jeff!
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MOW
Administrator
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
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Retired: USAF, Civil Service
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Post by MOW on Sept 14, 2013 20:56:39 GMT 9
DRUGS HAVE TWO NAMES
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 25, 2013 9:51:19 GMT 9
beer-greenA Texan walks into a pub
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me asking’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 25, 2013 23:42:34 GMT 9
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT,
WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE
OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE
AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF,
'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME..'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN,
OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,
AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO '
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN.
SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.
THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE
CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER
NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,
YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO
AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG,
I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' AND SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING,
SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC..
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE,
SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS ,
YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO
AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG,
AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF,
'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC
NOT A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.'
BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,
AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF,
'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL
AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT
IT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,
YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND SO MUCH
YOU'VE MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO
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