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Post by Jim on Jul 1, 2013 4:04:04 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 2, 2013 2:41:05 GMT 9
I like this--answers my fears!!!!!!!
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to
completely forget what that purpose was ? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for
these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing
through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the
mind, separating one
set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts
you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!
Did I send this to you already?
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Post by pat perry on Jul 9, 2013 5:11:06 GMT 9
How Irish Dancing Really Got Started videos2view.net/irish-dance.htmI have no doubt there is a bit of truth to this along with many bottles of green beer. Pat P. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 9, 2013 8:16:11 GMT 9
Fred, age 92, and Sue, age 89, living in Palm Springs, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Fred suggests they go in.
Fred addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Fred: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Fred: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Fred: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Fred: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Fred: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Fred: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Fred: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Fred: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Fred: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Sue: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Post by Jim on Jul 9, 2013 10:29:22 GMT 9
 They are referred to as Homoslackass Erectus, created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to affect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly voted for Obama and receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile. |
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 11, 2013 3:00:27 GMT 9
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN ( as told by a Sunday School teacher)
I was testing the children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals, to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'You gotta move to West Virginia!'
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Post by pat perry on Jul 13, 2013 3:31:20 GMT 9
Spell check Joke of the Day One spelling mistake can cost you your marriage. A husband wrote a message to his wife while on his business trip and forgot to add an "e" on the last word. He wrote: "Hi darling I'm experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her."  Pat P. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 13, 2013 8:16:57 GMT 9
Bert (see last paragraph) would never make it working for the government -
he's too smart!
Subject: FW: [Fwd: The value of engineering]
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.
Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it
should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective
box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the
new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the
factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number
of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with
projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate
should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check
the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line
where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new
$8 million dollar solution, sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off
the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it
there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting
the line every time the bell rang.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 16, 2013 4:58:35 GMT 9
SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS.
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using
his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink
das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water.
The cows have pooped in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here
campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please
speak in English."
The rancher replied: "I said, use both hands."
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Post by Jim on Jul 25, 2013 2:03:33 GMT 9
 A guy is driving around the back woods of Lower Onslow and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard' |
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Post by Jim on Jul 27, 2013 2:58:39 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Jul 28, 2013 1:36:31 GMT 9
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an a'hole
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a'hole
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
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Post by Jim on Jul 28, 2013 1:36:34 GMT 9
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an *jerk*!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *jerk*?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
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Post by Mark O on Aug 3, 2013 7:58:40 GMT 9
A Marine, and an Airman are both at an airport waiting for a flight, and it just happened that both of them needed to use the bathroom at the same time. They both relieve themselves, and the Marine starts washing his hands, but the Airman just looks in the mirror and adjusts his tie.
The Marine looks at the Airman, and says, "In the Marine Corps they taught us to wash our hands after we take a leak."
The Airman replied, "In the Air Force they taught us not to piss on our hands."
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Post by Jim on Aug 6, 2013 3:36:56 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 7, 2013 6:01:45 GMT 9
U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
"We are invading the United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks,
"Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four.
The other 12 million are already there!"
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Post by Jim on Aug 9, 2013 11:57:32 GMT 9
Find the democrat in this photo  |
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 10, 2013 0:18:42 GMT 9
He has to pamper his dinner. Doesn't want the meat stressed out.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Aug 10, 2013 0:53:05 GMT 9
THE Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the 'Popemobile' when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know nothing about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one...?"
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 12, 2013 23:19:24 GMT 9
COFFEE & TESTICLES
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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