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Post by pat perry on Dec 9, 2012 9:39:25 GMT 9
From Dave Adams, 456th FIS.
If you need a laugh today, this should take care of it and if it doesn’t, nothing will.
CRS disease and Brain Farts... I have been there many times but I didn't know a song had been written about it.
Pat P.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 13, 2012 3:03:35 GMT 9
Subject: Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
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Post by pat perry on Dec 15, 2012 2:05:45 GMT 9
Pulled this off the Santa Forum. They need some rules.
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat a$$ and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
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Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s**t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little b**tard.
Santa
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Post by LBer1568 on Dec 18, 2012 9:22:30 GMT 9
Cellphone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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Post by pat perry on Dec 24, 2012 3:34:50 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Dec 24, 2012 8:56:08 GMT 9
Learned a new word today for us seniors...
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Post by pat perry on Dec 24, 2012 9:01:52 GMT 9
Retirement is different for everyone..
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn? “Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale."
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Post by Mark O on Dec 25, 2012 7:29:59 GMT 9
Never gets old!
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Post by Jim on Dec 25, 2012 8:06:10 GMT 9
Early Holiday Greetings from the most generous, caring, nice-guy president ever!
Oh, wait -- you're a Republican? You are on my Naughty list.
No free stuff for you Silly thing,
YOU'RE the one paying for it all!
Go back to work!
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Post by lindel on Dec 25, 2012 10:32:01 GMT 9
Early Holiday Greetings from the most generous, caring, nice-guy president ever! Oh, wait -- you're a Republican? You are on my Naughty list. No free stuff for you Silly thing, YOU'RE the one paying for it all! Go back to work! Yep, that would be me...well...mostly...I'm a conservative, not a republican... |
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Post by dude on Jan 2, 2013 10:52:21 GMT 9
 A Navy seaman and a Marine are having a beer in a bar discussing which is the superior service. Seaman: We had Midway. Marine: That's true, but we had Tripoli Seaman: We had Leyte Gulf Marine: That's true, but we had Guadalcanal The seaman thought for awhile and came up with what he thought was the clincher: Seaman: The Navy invented sex! Marine: That's true, but the Marines taught it to women.
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Post by Jim on Jan 4, 2013 1:40:07 GMT 9
Received the following today. No names will be mentioned to protect the inocent?!!!
In the New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.
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Post by LBer1568 on Jan 4, 2013 2:43:18 GMT 9
It doesn't matter whether or not the rodent sees his shadow, as we'll still have 4 more years of bassackwards Obamanomics. I hope the groundhog doesn't see his though.
"The real threat to your freedom is not from men hiding in caves in the middle east wearing turbans. It is from men wearing suits in Washington, DC."
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 4, 2013 7:04:44 GMT 9
If that isn't a fine how-do-you-do. Well, I won't be listening to the "State of the DisUnion" reading from the glass panels. De and I will be at Disneyland that day, celebrating our Fiftieth Anniversary. Why Ground Hog Day? Well, I wanted a date I would have no trouble remembering. And, I have remembered every year. SO, now I am less happy with the Chief Executive for hijacking our anniversary to give a meaningless recitation of how wonderful he is. Yuk! Jim Too  |
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Post by Jim on Jan 5, 2013 9:38:27 GMT 9
My Mother will love it She will be 97 on your anniversary as well. She believes that democrat is spelled with all capital letters......... ;D ;D
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Post by Jim on Jan 5, 2013 9:39:42 GMT 9
NOW THIS IS A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by lindel on Jan 7, 2013 0:40:24 GMT 9
AAAHHHHH!!!! My eyes!!
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Post by dude on Jan 7, 2013 1:02:05 GMT 9
If ole Hillary was really packin' like that, ole Monica would never had a chance! : 
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Post by pat perry on Jan 7, 2013 9:45:00 GMT 9
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Post by lugnuts55 on Jan 8, 2013 4:57:59 GMT 9
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