Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 29, 2012 7:54:41 GMT 9
I stole this from WND.com.
Jim Too
:god_bless_usa
Here’s how to start each day with a positive outlook:
1. Open a new file on your computer.
2. Name it “Barack Obama.”
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Click “Empty the Recycle Bin.”
5. Your PC will ask you: “Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barack Obama’?”
6. Firmly click “Yes”
There – Don’t you feel better now?
GOOD! Tomorrow we’ll do Joe Biden!
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Post by LBer1568 on Oct 31, 2012 4:10:36 GMT 9
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves....
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Nov 1, 2012 10:46:47 GMT 9
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Post by LBer1568 on Nov 2, 2012 23:01:25 GMT 9
Early voting is still going strong here in Ohio
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Post by pat perry on Nov 3, 2012 10:07:47 GMT 9
When fishing with a hand grenade, you should throw it not drop it...
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Post by Jim on Nov 4, 2012 1:40:52 GMT 9
A Lawyer,
an Illegal Alien,
a Pathological Liar,
a Muslim,
a Communist
and a Black Guy
walk into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
"What'll it be, Barack?"
--
In God We Trust!!!
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Post by Jim on Nov 12, 2012 12:27:47 GMT 9
COMPLETE versus FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Here is his answer:
The Question:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between the two.
Samsundar's Answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
___________
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Post by Jim on Nov 23, 2012 2:41:12 GMT 9
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were
in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'The
father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.They continued to watch until it reached the last
number. and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son.....
'Go
get your Mother'
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Post by LBer1568 on Nov 24, 2012 10:28:43 GMT 9
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish of having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 26, 2012 1:19:35 GMT 9
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, found it difficult to think of six, much less seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
......2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 26, 2012 23:29:19 GMT 9
Aviation Dictionary
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 27, 2012 6:40:07 GMT 9
This just in on the news ticker......  Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him. :  |
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Post by dude on Nov 27, 2012 15:01:21 GMT 9
 James is a man that stutters and he's at the doctor's office... James: "DDDoctor, you've gggott to hhhelp me ggget rrrrid of this ssstutter." Doctor: "OK lets runs some tests." Hours later... Doctor: James I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I found the reason for your stutter. In my thirty years of practice you have got the biggest male member I have ever seen. I mean it is huge and it weighs so much it is putting a strain on your vocal chords. The bad news is a transplant for a smaller tool is the only way to correct it. James: Doc I've got to get rid of this stutter. So let's do it. Weeks later James is back at the doctor's office. James: Doctor you fixed my stutter, but my wife is now extremely unhappy. She misses the old one. Doc you've got to put it back! Doctor: PPPPisss offf JJJames. A dddeal is a dddeal.
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Post by pat perry on Nov 29, 2012 5:59:08 GMT 9
News Flash...
Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.
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Post by pat perry on Nov 29, 2012 7:56:53 GMT 9
Two emails I received today...
1- Washington State new laws
"It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13: "if a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've been interpreting it wrong all these years."
2- The day after pot was legalized In Washington
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Post by dude on Nov 29, 2012 11:06:26 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Dec 4, 2012 11:01:33 GMT 9
A single glass of new wine at night could mean a
Peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not...
California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
Which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and
Pinot Grigio wines,
Have developed a new hybrid grape
That acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of Trips older
people have to make to the Bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
Marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
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Post by pat perry on Dec 5, 2012 0:46:21 GMT 9
This is not a joke but it is funny.
We all know the danger of texting while driving but what about...
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Dec 5, 2012 7:24:31 GMT 9
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a girl thingy?' She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question to the woman. He asks 'Do you have a girl thingy'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks the same question. Do you have girl thingy'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies, 'Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using it???
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Post by Jim on Dec 8, 2012 10:12:17 GMT 9
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write to God letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed
to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat
down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that a...... Obama took $95.00 in taxes.
--
In God We Trust!!!
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