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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 26, 2012 22:54:27 GMT 9
Best redneck moments
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Post by pat perry on Sept 27, 2012 5:28:31 GMT 9
This is a re-make of an old joke that is worthy of review. Thanks to Moose Donnelly, 456th FIS pilot.
Electric fences
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one , you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is not only funny but true! This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice was my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences .. but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now! Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fencecan clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Post by lugnuts55 on Sept 28, 2012 14:43:06 GMT 9
For the golfers
>
>
> By Executive Order, President Obama announced today he has
>
> appointed a Golf Czar and new USGA golf rules are now in effect.
>
>
> Major rule changes in the game of golf will become
>
> effective immediately.
>
>
> This is only a preview as the complete rule book
>
> (projected to be 2716 pages, but will go into effect
>
> whether or not you have had a chance to read them) is
>
> being rewritten as we speak.
>
> Here are a few of the changes:
>
> Golfers with handicaps:
>
> - Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
>
>
> - Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
>
>
> - Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
>
>
> The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and
>
> will be used as follows:
>
>
> - Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
>
>
> - Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
>
>
> - Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
>
>
> These entitlements are intended to bring about
>
> fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
>
>
> In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of
>
> one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round.
>
>
> Any excess must be given to those fellow players who
>
> have not yet scored a birdie or par.
>
>
> Only after all players have received a birdie or par
>
> from the player actually making the birdie or par, can
>
> that player begin to count his pars and birdies again
>
>
> The current USGA handicap system will be used for the
>
> above purposes, but the term "net score" will be
>
> available only for scoring those players with
>
> handicaps of 18 and above.
>
>
> This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of
>
> winning by making sure that in all competitions every
>
> Player above an 18 handicap will post only "net score"
>
> against every other player's "gross score".
>
>
> These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of
>
> golf, so we all can have HOPE of getting a good score.
>
>
> Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to
>
> do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.
>
> This is the "Right thing to do."
>
>
> So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under
>
> par, you didn't shoot it yourself. Some one
>
> else built that course, to make it possible for you to
>
> do well, and someone else cut the grass so that you
>
> could play on it, determined the pin placement and the
>
> length of the rough. Someone else designed and built
>
> the clubs and the cart, and the public paid for the
>
> roads that you used to get to the course.
>
>
> You need to share with everyone and anyone who made
>
> you a successful golfer.
>
>
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Post by Jim on Oct 2, 2012 2:10:25 GMT 9
>> His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan,
>> So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
>> Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
>> International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000
>> and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him
>> that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the
>> Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the
>> street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
>> everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
>> collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>>
>> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
>> the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for
>> a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
>> bank's private underground garage and parked it.
>>
>> Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
>> of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had
>> your
>> business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
>> little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
>> Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss
>> University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with
>> real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments
>> include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What
>> puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
>>
>> The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
>> for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
>>
>> His name was BUBBA....
>>
>> Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not
>> mean we are stupid.
>>
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Post by Jim on Oct 5, 2012 11:51:51 GMT 9
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."
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Post by LBer1568 on Oct 6, 2012 9:19:31 GMT 9
YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY........
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
--
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Post by Jim on Oct 12, 2012 6:07:18 GMT 9
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives up and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow trees down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
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Post by pat perry on Oct 14, 2012 9:59:28 GMT 9
My Uncle Carl --
My Uncle Carl was a staunch Conservative and voted straight Republican until the day he died in Chicago.
Since then he has voted Democrat.
Go figure...
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Post by Gene on Oct 15, 2012 3:21:15 GMT 9
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
(Moderator edit for space.)
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Post by Jim on Oct 15, 2012 10:36:55 GMT 9
Now we have it from the Ultimate Authority---
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best."
The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street.
They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty.
So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?"
>>> Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."
Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven.
The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder.
In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos
and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm regards,
GOD
USAF (Retired)
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Post by shadowgunner on Oct 15, 2012 10:49:20 GMT 9
Subject: Flying Secrets
The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Baron.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
3. A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
Aircraft Identification:
If it’s ugly, it’s British.
If it’s weird, it’s French.
If it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience
all three at the same time.
The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
It’s better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the
engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.
New FAA motto:
‘We’re not happy, till you’re not happy.’
If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter–it’s about to.
I’d give that landing a 9 . . on the Richter scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing attempt: ‘You’ve got to land here son. This is
where the food is.’
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Post by LBer1568 on Oct 15, 2012 23:40:02 GMT 9
Pilot to tower.
"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity SUCKS!!
A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!
On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
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Post by Jim on Oct 16, 2012 1:00:21 GMT 9
The 2 most useless things to a pilot:
The runway behind you and the altitude above you..............
In flying a loop, it isn't the diameter of the circle you're trying to make that is important................... It is the radius you are using...
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Post by pat perry on Oct 16, 2012 1:10:18 GMT 9
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
you got male
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Post by LBer1568 on Oct 18, 2012 4:47:26 GMT 9
Kick Me In the Ass
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he would grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of Draper Valley fried chicken." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with chicken. Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, 'The Moon and Me', one last time." The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and asked, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?"
"What?" replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?"
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Post by pat perry on Oct 19, 2012 6:57:32 GMT 9
Been 71 posts since the last joke. This sounds like an old one that some Texan has embellished... still funny though.
As a child growing up in Texas ...
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad-ass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich..
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head...
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, Ether really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S--T! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh S--t.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-b--ch got up and ran off..
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
~Author Unknown
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Post by Jim on Oct 25, 2012 1:40:14 GMT 9
MISINTERPRETATION I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?" That's pretty much the last thing I remember... Attachments:
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Post by LBer1568 on Oct 27, 2012 3:54:38 GMT 9
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road .
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
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Post by Gene on Oct 27, 2012 6:29:45 GMT 9
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. He obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there?”
The nurse responds,
"They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care.
:thanks
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Post by Jim on Oct 28, 2012 23:38:53 GMT 9
I knew it, I knew it!!! I knew they would
finally release the ingredients in Viagra...
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
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