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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 15, 2012 23:18:24 GMT 9
The defination of a true friend!!! Attachments:
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Post by lugnuts55 on Sept 16, 2012 2:42:15 GMT 9
Birth of Air Force Bases
I'll never forget her. It was MARCH and her name was KELLY. She had huge CANNONs. I mean, talk about a MOUNTAIN HOME. The kind you'd just love to TINKER with all night long. Just the thought of it made MINOT bulge in my shorts. She walked up to me and whispered, GOODFELLOW, I want to SEYMOUR JOHNSON. Then she began to kiss INCIRLIK my neck. I said, "Take it easy or you'll give me a HICKAM." But she sharply retorted, "PATRICK, I want you now!"...she pushed me over and I landed flat on my KEESLER. Compromising, I replied, "You can LUKE at mine if you SHAW me yours." With that, OFFUTT came her clothes, exposing her GRAND FORKS. I stripped; she took one look at my purple POPE and remarked, "OSAN, That's the biggest one I've ever seen...on a WHITEMAN, anyway." I couldn't take it any longer, I just wanted her to ben DOVER so I could RAMSTEIN my HOLLOMAN into her KUNSAN. But I never got the chance, because I suddenly realized that I was about to HANSCOM. The next thing I knew, I had SPANGDAHLEM all over my legs and all over her chest. I had emptied my big MACDILL pickle before the love had even begun. I was embarrassed that I couldn't RANDOLPH my PETERSON in her MILDENHALL, but she looked at me and said, it was better that we didn't have sex anyway since she's SCOTT gonorrhea.
:lol
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2012 4:01:23 GMT 9
such a sad story, but at least you had a HAPPY ENDING :rofl :rofl
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Post by shadowgunner on Sept 16, 2012 7:08:22 GMT 9
Sounds like you struck the right McCHORD, by GEORGE.  |
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Bullhunter
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318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
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Post by Bullhunter on Sept 16, 2012 11:18:39 GMT 9
That is just too damn good.  |
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 17, 2012 2:20:17 GMT 9
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.
Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target...
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing ?
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......
Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!
Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:
My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?
- - - - - - -
There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single & make wonders happen,
Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
The rest get married & wonder what happened!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The A B C...
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."
She asks...... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........
*************
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Post by lindel on Sept 18, 2012 1:24:14 GMT 9
"I still miss my Ex...but my aim's improving!" Author unknown
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2012 9:02:47 GMT 9
AN ELDERLY ITALIAN, CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN.
An elderly Italian gentleman who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weaknesses of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over...?''
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Post by Gene on Sept 18, 2012 16:30:01 GMT 9
:rofl :2thumbsup  |
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Post by Jim on Sept 20, 2012 0:29:34 GMT 9
A guy was telling his buddy, ' you won't believe what happened last night... ' My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it." "Holy crap", replied the friend, "she actually said that?" 'Well, she didn't put it quite like that; what she actually said was... "Dad, meet my new boyfriend -Mohammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's re-election campaign." -- In God We Trust!!! Shriners Hospitals for Children www.shrinershq.org/Hospitals |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2012 9:01:24 GMT 9
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Post by Gene on Sept 20, 2012 13:48:15 GMT 9
scary... |
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Post by Jim on Sept 22, 2012 2:38:53 GMT 9
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." Attachments:
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 22, 2012 5:39:31 GMT 9
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2012 11:21:33 GMT 9
I took this one a few years, aced it
I'll claim prior knowledge
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Post by Jim on Sept 23, 2012 10:16:55 GMT 9
>
>
> Christmas Lights
>
> I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.
>
> They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.
>
> For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
>
> For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
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Post by Jim on Sept 24, 2012 2:03:12 GMT 9
DNA the easy way Attachments:
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 25, 2012 4:27:20 GMT 9
A world War II fighter pilot from Boston is reminiscing with young students about his war experiences. "One day I was protecting the bombers, and suddenly I look up and realized that two Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first Fokker and shot him down. By then the second Fokker was right on my tail." The Kids began to giggle, so the teacher says, "I should point out that Fokker is was the name of the aircraft used by the Germans." True says the Pilot " But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!" |
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Post by Jim on Sept 25, 2012 8:16:42 GMT 9
A protestant was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The fellow made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept
blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The fellow was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The fellow knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of
shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said 'Son, that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
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Post by Jim on Sept 26, 2012 6:10:28 GMT 9
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw!! He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!! Can you help?
Signed, Lost
Dear Lost,
Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for the rest of his term!
Signed, Abby
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