Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Archived) (Read 36,220 times)

Old joke from "The Expendables 2". Chuck Norris plays Booker.

I heard once that Booker was bitten by a king cobra.

After 5 days of agonizing pain -


(wait for it)











the cobra died.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel , found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as it border and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "that's the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from the Jersey Shore are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the as*holes I'm sending down from New York every summer."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo crap.

It means someone stole the tent.

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, e mbezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, said the politician.
In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.


Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!

SKIPPING CHURCH
================

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing

it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring

day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling

sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father

Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty

miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone

he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he

was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone

else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord

while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,

"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight

towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and

fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and

asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

obamacartoon.blogspot.com/2012/04/obama-loses-election-and-speaks.html

Obama after Nov loss of Presidency...Must watch.

Actor Kevin Bacon Changing Last Name To Appease Muslims (satire)
By Nick Taxia / 4 September 2012

by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, official DP Muslim Civil War Re-enactor
August 28th, 2012,

(NEW YORK) — “ ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy…What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet,” wrote Shakespeare in Romeo & Juliet. But apparently thy name is no longer so sweet for actor Kevin Bacon.

Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups such as CAIR (Center for American–Islamic Relations), the iconic actor and musician has publically vowed to change his last name. The reason: although many Muslims, like most Americans, watch films featuring the seemingly omnipresent actor, his last name has become a source of “discomfort,” as it is a byproduct of pork, a strictly forbidden meat within the Islamic faith.

The star of Footloose, A Few Good Men, Mystic River and countless other films issued a press release Tuesday afetrnoon announcing he will be changing his last name “due to increasing demand from the Muslim community to be able to enjoy my films while not having to be reminded of the filthy, horrid meat so common among ‘infidels.’ ”

Although Bacon did not state what new name he would adopt to appease America’s Muslim community, the actor’s press statement Tuesday made it clear he would be formally changing his surname within the month.

Said the now Artist-Formally-Known-As Bacon in his statement:

“Although the Bacon family has held our name humbly and innocuously throughout generations, I had no idea it was causing members of our Muslim community discomfort and impeding their enjoyment of my films and music. It is with great apologies to CAIR and other representatives of the Islamic community that I hereby renounce my surname of ‘Bacon,’ since it is a source of revulsion to some of the Muslim community.…Had I known my name would be provoking the thought of such a cultural dietary taboo, I would have begun my acting career in 1978 under a different name. I extend my sincerest apologies to any members of the Muslim community who may have taken offense to my porcine name.”

– Kevin Soon-Not-To-Be Bacon

Bacon’s renouncement of his last name comes after several incidents across the nation in which strips of bacon have been left on the steps of Islamic mosques and at Staten Island’s New Drop Beach Park on August 20th, where hundreds of Muslims gathered to celebrate the end of the holy month of Ramadan, prompting police to “probe” the placement of the lifeless pork slices as a “hate crime.” Reactions within social media outlets to such incidents have resulted in declarations such as an official “Bacon Appreciation Day” (September 1st) according to Facebook’s “BACON APPRECIATION DAY” home page, which is so shockingly insensitive that the esteemed journalists at Duh Progressive have become very upset and must pause from writing about it for a moment…

…Okay, we are back.

According to Islamic spokespeoplepersonisndividuals such as CAIR’s National Communications Director, Ibrahim Hooper, who had vowed a boycott Kevin Bacon’s movies until the actor changed his last name to something less offensive, Bacon’s announcement is bitter sweet; a case of “too little, too late.”

Said Hooper on Tuesday to Duh Progressive, “We are pleased that our requests for Kevin You-Know-Who to change his name have been finally met. But that doesn’t replace all those years of trying to enjoy his movies while not thinking about the sacrilegious meat he symbolized.”

However, prominent leaders of other non-pork-eating religions are voicing support for Kevin Bacon, counter-demanding the actor not change his name. Rosalind Jekowsky, Vice President of the Jewish Community Relationship Council of San Francisco, said she would “re-boycott” Bacon’s movies if the 54-year-old actor did change his name. “I’ve watched Kevin Bacon ever since Animal House; enjoyed all his work…shoot, even Hallow Man!” Jekowsky said Tuesday, adding, “Hey, a number of religions reject pork, but why it is only Muslims get to change an entire family’s surname because it abstractly ‘offends them?’ Why do they care and we (Jews) don’t?”

Continued Jekowsky, “To bully (Bacon) into changing his name to appease a fraction of Muslims who even care is the epitome of political correctness run amuck. …So we urge people of sound mind everywhere to counter-boycott (Bacon) upon his announcing his new name. That’s the only reasonable course of action.”

Although there is yet no word on what new name will replace Kevin Bacon’s Bacon, sources close to the actor’s wife, actress Kyra Sedgwick, claim Bacon is toying with several possible names guaranteed not to offend the U.S.’s Muslim community, among which are Kevin Hummus, Kevin Lambshanks, Kevin Shish Kabobs, Kevin Kabob, Kevin al-Mufti, or Kevin…………

BREAKING: As of 6:02 PM, PT, Kevin Bacon’s manager, Stacey Boniello, said that in response to demands from numerous and prominent leaders of the Muslim community (all five of them) to change his last name, he has chosen a last name “accommodating fans of all faiths, particularly Muslims.” As of next month, Kevin Bacon will be known as “Kevin Nine Eleven.”

“Great to meet you, Mr. Nine Eleven! Can I have your autograph, please?”

(Note: This piece is satire).

Very funny web site. I will have to spend some more time there. Good one

Finally! Some REAL flavors!!

These will put some hair on your chest. :guns (Or, make it fall out!) :rofl