Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Archived) (Read 36,221 times)

My annual physical.

During my annual physical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 6 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I even had to urinate a few times behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shi**y golfer."

Pat I saw a similar one last week. But punch line was dog pissed on IPad.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circlehave been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me. '

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?'





'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

This isn't really a joke, but a sad fact of life.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and
going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again, and the man asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'


He said, "'I'm NOT happy, My balls itch and I can't scratch them."

:green-beer :drunk :green-beer

Jim, here's another "Don't Mess With Old People" message that has a lot of truth in it.

In the aftermath of the Aurora , Colorado Batman movie theater shooting, a surveillance video has surfaced that shows the simple, obvious answer to the question on everybody's mind: How do we stop a massacre?

The answer is revealed in the stunning short video shown below. This remarkable solution:

• Requires no police.
• Costs the taxpayers no money.
• Requires no up-front paperwork.
• Protects innocent lives.
• Is deployed in as little as FIVE seconds.
• Works everywhere.
• Deters violent crime.
• Makes bad guys flee immediately.
• Is easy to learn.
• Functions at the local level.
• Does not require control or intervention by the United Nations or any government entity.



Pat P.
PS: This reminds me of the woman in the Colorado Springs Church in 2007 who was carrying and took out a mass murderer who had come into the service after killing four people in the parking lot. That pastor said her actions saved over a hundred people.

Dog For Sale. Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighbourhood
for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,

Ho Lee Schitt.