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Post by shadowgunner on Jul 15, 2012 12:55:57 GMT 9
:rofl :rofl  that is great!! |
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Post by Gene on Jul 15, 2012 15:42:58 GMT 9
i second that   |
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Post by Jim on Jul 16, 2012 3:59:42 GMT 9
A dog lover whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs 'do it'.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she phoned the vet, who answered in a very grumpy and somewhat angered voice.
Having heard the problem explained to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will startle the male dog, quickly causing him to loose his erection, and he will withdraw very fast."
"Do you really think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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Post by Jim on Jul 17, 2012 1:50:48 GMT 9
thanks to flypapajohn Attachments:
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 9:56:21 GMT 9
BEST JOKE OF 2012
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
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NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 22, 2012 11:38:34 GMT 9
The 100 MPH Goat
Two Kentucky rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 24, 2012 1:38:54 GMT 9
ABC is in lock step with CBS, CNN, MSNBC etc. Liberla news maker's instead of news reporters. Attachments:
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 26, 2012 5:16:32 GMT 9
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says:
Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo crap.
It means someone stole the tent.
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Post by Jim on Jul 26, 2012 11:40:34 GMT 9
*CLEVER CATHOLIC - ST. NANCY PELOSI
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C. , an aide to the former House
Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s
Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are
issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation
you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the
money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and
seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that
Nancy Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Nancy
Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered
among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views
are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many
other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb
sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a
thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have
ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth
to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her
Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The
woman is simply not to be trusted.
The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy
Pelosi is a saint.”
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Post by shadowgunner on Jul 26, 2012 11:53:20 GMT 9
:rofl :rofl :rofl :2thumbsup one of my favorite politicos-NOT!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2012 12:15:56 GMT 9
WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT SHOULD BE CANONIZED (for you non-catholics that means to be made a saint) :tailed-devil :onfire
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2012 2:03:18 GMT 9
Albert Einstein would be 133 years old this year. Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 133 if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed". He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as.... 38220CEA-3867-4AFE-9A52-E1A4F73B847A Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty." Oh, stop moaning! I don't write this crap, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the hell out of all that political :rofl :  :clap crap. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 27, 2012 2:27:45 GMT 9
From WND.
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “Electricians are the best. Everything inside is color coded.”
The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are. Everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
Upon hearing his colleagues’ statements, the third surgeon declared, “You’re both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no gonads, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the derriere are interchangeable.”
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Post by pat perry on Jul 27, 2012 5:25:29 GMT 9
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
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Post by Jim on Jul 27, 2012 8:43:10 GMT 9
AFTERNOON SEX
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersens have company," he called out.
"Matt is riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 28, 2012 4:22:25 GMT 9
Obama health Care RX Attachments:
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 30, 2012 3:26:50 GMT 9
On January 9th, a group of Pekin Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, Past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, And even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she Jumped or was Pushed!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2012 5:59:58 GMT 9
>
> Subject: Little Carol
>
> Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
>
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
>
> LETTER 1:
>
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
>
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
>
>
> LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl
this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
>
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
>
>
> LETTER 3:
>
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
>
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike.
By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
:Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
>
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
>
> LETTER 4:
>
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
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Post by Jim on Jul 31, 2012 8:04:54 GMT 9
The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold........
God only knows what she was talking about!!
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Aug 1, 2012 9:31:17 GMT 9
An ancient Minnesotan joke.
I mean, really ancient.
Jim Too
:god_bless_usa
-------------------------------------------
Ole & Clarence
Ole lived across the Minnesota river from Clarence, whom he didn't like at all.
They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.
Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!"
Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me, ya old turd. I cud beatcha wit one hand behind me back, fer sure!"
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says
"Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.
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that is great!!
:clap crap. 
