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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2012 11:18:22 GMT 9
> SIPPING VODKA
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> This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.
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> It's funny (don't break chain)
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> A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
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> The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
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> So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
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> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
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> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
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> 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
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> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
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> 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
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>> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
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> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
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> 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him..
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> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
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> 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
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> 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
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> 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
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> 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
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> 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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> The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
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> Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.
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Post by Mark O on Jun 23, 2012 12:52:46 GMT 9
Co-pilot checklist...  Yea, there were "Co's" I flew with that I had to invoke this on!  ;D  |
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Post by Cougar on Jun 24, 2012 22:58:36 GMT 9
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Norma always replied, "I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 80 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! " Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "   |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 4:33:11 GMT 9
You will LOVE THIS!
> A little humor for your otherwise dull day.
> Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him...
>
> One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965,
> Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas ,
> Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
> A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,
> " Excuse me, do you speak English ?"
> Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do "
> The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work? "
> Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".
>
> The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
>
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jun 25, 2012 5:09:35 GMT 9
Old Texas joke.
Teacher: Bubba, why did the Armadillo cross the road?
Bubba: No one knows, teacher, none have ever made it across.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jun 29, 2012 4:50:21 GMT 9
I'm sending this note from the police station. I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today. I was at the checkout and the cashier said "strip down, facing me". Apparently she was talking about my debit card. :  |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jun 29, 2012 5:53:52 GMT 9
“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the
policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t
that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist.
“Does that mean you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
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Post by pat perry on Jul 1, 2012 4:42:20 GMT 9
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Post by shadowgunner on Jul 1, 2012 6:54:47 GMT 9
:2thumbsup Nicely done Pat!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2012 11:22:36 GMT 9
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 Things I know about you...
1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 2, 2012 10:26:26 GMT 9
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'
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Post by Jim on Jul 3, 2012 3:26:53 GMT 9
> A lesson in irony.
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> The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.
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> Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
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> Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
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> This ends today's lesson.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 4, 2012 9:20:49 GMT 9
Wooden Leg Insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to the mountains
of Arkansas from Iowa. The husband had a wooden leg,
and to insure it in Iowa cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Arkansas, they went to an insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden
leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap
here in Arkansas to insure it because it cost him $2000 in
Iowa !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39...
You just have to know how to describe it!
HILLBILLIES know how ("to git'er done")
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Post by pat perry on Jul 4, 2012 10:17:40 GMT 9
Vet , Hats , and Morons
A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'VietNam Veteran' hat.
I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.
There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a VetNam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that hat?"
"Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried,
"When was that?"
God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936."
He pondered my response for a moment and responded,
"Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing.
"That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah," he gave me the "don't threaten me look." "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.
Whoever said retirement is boring... one just needs the right kind of hat.
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Post by Jim on Jul 6, 2012 10:07:15 GMT 9
Physical Exam
During my last medical check up, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about seven miles
through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one
hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer"
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 8, 2012 7:39:19 GMT 9
SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '
'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!
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Post by pat perry on Jul 8, 2012 8:44:34 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 8, 2012 12:27:29 GMT 9
Thats awesome. I was so engaged in watching cards I missed all the color changes. Wild...
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Post by Jim on Jul 12, 2012 7:06:33 GMT 9
A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar.
Bartender asks ....
"What'll it be, Mr. President?"
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Post by Jim on Jul 15, 2012 11:59:35 GMT 9
An elderly lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with; 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. Attachments:
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;D 
