Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Archived) (Read 36,224 times)

when I was doing gozintas, all I could think of was the cute brunette across the room. she was blooming already, oh, and so was I.
:nono :rofl :

after 44 years with the same woman, she ain't going anywhere, regardless of how many suggestions I make

:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2012

- Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
Shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking
The trash out, gives the impression that
He just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.




11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...

Ready for a good laugh?



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

thats about no. 4 on the list of reasons im still single for the last 34 years...

The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for President Obama.
It’s half white and half black and everything about it “Stinks”….

Vet Hats and Morons
A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran'
hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it,
especially because my friend Ronn was considerate enough to take the time
to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in
particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I
retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for
some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some
of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my
psychological fixes.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in
his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that hat?"
"Because I couldn't find my one for the War of 1812." I thought it was a
snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it
the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was
beginning to be way fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that
COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a
low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is
seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron
nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about
this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me look. "Like, what's gonna
happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't
want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket
where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was
about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at
her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a
car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started
pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious
look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in
the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat..

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

Dying Priest
In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid , "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."


Steve