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Post by Jeff Shannon on Apr 30, 2007 11:14:59 GMT 9
GAS ER UP TOO!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just
ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of r running
boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair
of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jun 14, 2007 10:21:26 GMT 9
You Bet Your Life...
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news[] crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"  Bob took the money. 
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 17, 2007 2:44:47 GMT 9
BLONDE DIARY
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for my husband. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: My husband wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today my husband asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. He asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: My husband did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday( oh boy) for some reason he keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: My husband's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on my husband. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 19, 2007 4:19:51 GMT 9
FIRST BLONDE GUY JOKE EVER!!!!!! The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond e opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." (Oh this is GOOD!!)? Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch." ;D ;D ;D ;D 
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 25, 2007 16:50:22 GMT 9
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER ( the actual AP headline ) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.He asked if she was OKAY, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. He called the Paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury Biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour, until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde but I'm certain that is irrelevant. 
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 27, 2007 8:41:22 GMT 9
Paint The Porch A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, " the blonde replied, "....and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. "And by the way....., " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 23, 2007 4:48:43 GMT 9
Great answer to a dumb question!! Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot an Arab Terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil." Hard to fault a Marine that is that eloquent!!   |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 22, 2007 14:12:08 GMT 9
Sent to me from a friend.......... Pregnant Turkey Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(S) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Dec 19, 2007 7:47:04 GMT 9
Blond at her first football gameA guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.* Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over like 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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screamineagle
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 26
Location:
Joined: December 2007
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Post by screamineagle on Dec 27, 2007 22:49:45 GMT 9
What do you get when you put 10 blondes in a row??.........
A Wind Tunnel..........
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Post by Cougar on Jan 26, 2008 13:59:48 GMT 9
A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She scooped up the cat and the tail and rushed as fast as she could over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART you ask? Cause she heard that WALMART was the largest re-tailer in the world!!! ;D |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 6, 2008 4:28:41 GMT 9
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Bob took the money. |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jun 12, 2008 0:35:21 GMT 9
Burial at Sea
Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet Chrisy'.
So... they row a little farther. Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?'
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So... on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?''
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jun 16, 2008 22:37:25 GMT 9
Two blondes decided to go out to the county for a hike and to enjoy nature. They were walking along and admiring all of beauty of the countryside. Suddenly one blonde looks down and says, "Oh! look! Deer tracks!" The second blonde says, "Those are not deer tracks, they are rabbit tracks." The first blonde says, "No they are deer tracks. There are lots of deer out here." The second blonde says, "My father goes hunting all the time, those are rabbit tracks." The first blonde says, "They are too large to be rabbit tracks" The second blonde says, "I have a book on animals, they are deer tracks" They argued back and forth like that until the train hit them. |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 15, 2008 7:47:51 GMT 9
POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' 'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde . 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'' Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... (Are you ready for this one!?) 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'  |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 20, 2008 4:51:35 GMT 9
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?' 'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly. Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks. 'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!' |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 19, 2008 1:00:46 GMT 9
A blond, a brunette, and a red head get captured by pirates. The red head woman looks at the blond and the brunette and says, "when they are about to shoot us, scream out some natural disaster and when they duck, we'll run away." The red head was first, when the pirates put her in front of the firing squad the captain said, "Ready, Aim,..." "Tornado!!" screamed the red head. The pirates ducked and she ran away. Then it was the brunettes turn. The pirates put her infront of the firing squad, "Ready, Aim,..." "Hurricane!!" The pirates ducked and she got away. Next it was the blonds turn. "Ready, Aim,..." "FIRE!!!!" |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 25, 2008 3:00:29 GMT 9
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.' She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!' Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive! |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 13, 2009 7:36:06 GMT 9
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 29, 2009 6:13:44 GMT 9
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo ...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot. :scratch_head |
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