MOW
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Post by MOW on Jan 16, 2005 18:17:05 GMT 9
This could be a long thread  Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head. Q: Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? A: It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted flakes. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: What do you call it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? A: Because she read that one child out of every four born is Chinese. Q: Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? A: She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind. Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building. Q: Why are Asians so smart? A: No blondes. Q: What is the biggest advantage to marrying blonde? A: You get to park in the Handicapped Zone |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 17, 2005 16:32:00 GMT 9
Ventriloquist & the Blond A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts yelling at the top of her lungs: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype me that way? What does the color of my hair have to do with my worth as a human being? It's jerks like you who keep me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching my full potential, all because you and your kind perpetuate discrimination against blondes; all in the name of humor!" ;D ;D ;D The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde rips his head off, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that pip-squeak runt sitting on your knee!"  |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 20, 2005 19:13:01 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Jan 22, 2005 2:22:50 GMT 9
1.To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The vodka will dissolve the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe he lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7.Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed
lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablesthingys powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and
rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a
local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teasthingys crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes.. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin
20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
21. Or, you can just drink it straight from the bottle and
nothing else will matter!
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Post by pat perry on Jan 25, 2005 23:00:46 GMT 9
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said He handed the Madam 100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."
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Post by Cougar on Jan 28, 2005 9:39:04 GMT 9
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left in Heaven that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her blouse and bra and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. The Queen performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "a Royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are." |
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Post by Cougar on Jan 29, 2005 16:41:50 GMT 9
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." |
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Bill Sullivan
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 22
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Post by Bill Sullivan on Feb 2, 2005 7:32:00 GMT 9
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer, who also just happens to be a blonde. The blonde cop, officer Buffy, asks the driver for her license. "License? What's that?" she asks. "You know," says the officer, the square thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver fumbles in her purse and finally pulls out a mirror. She stares at it for a moment and hands it to officer Buffy. Officer Buffy stares at it for a few minutes and then hands it back. "It's alright," she says, "You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."  |
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MOW
Administrator
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
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Post by MOW on Mar 1, 2005 18:53:29 GMT 9
Blonde 1: "do you think Florida is farther away than the Moon?"
Blonde 2: "What do you think stupid? Can you see Florida from here?"
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Post by Cougar on Mar 5, 2005 15:07:06 GMT 9
As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the trucker stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers his window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde brightly says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the trucker's door, the trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the salt truck!" ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 7, 2005 11:47:53 GMT 9
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numbnuts (deceased)
F-106 Qualified
Deceased - Rest In Peace Jim
Currently: Offline
Posts: 52
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Post by numbnuts (deceased) on Mar 9, 2005 5:12:51 GMT 9
I am going to sue someone for posting our wedding pictures. Mr & Mrs Numbnuts
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Post by Cougar on Mar 9, 2005 18:28:23 GMT 9
I am going to sue someone for posting our wedding pictures. Mr & Mrs Numbnuts Given the bulge in the front of yer brides dress I'm guessing you'll be changin yer handle to something other than Numbnuts. |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 14, 2005 6:23:18 GMT 9
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.  |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 15, 2005 16:25:36 GMT 9
A brunet was on a railroad tracks jumping up and down while chanting, "42, 42, 42, 42..." A blonde came and asked, "Hey, can I jump with you?" "Sure!" The brunet said. So, they're both jumping up and down and chanting, "42, 42, 42, 42..." The train comes. The brunet gets off the tracks while the blonde stays on and gets run over. The brunet gets back on the track after the train has passed and starts chanting, "43, 43, 43, 43..." |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 17, 2005 13:05:57 GMT 9
Diary of a Blonde on a cruise ship. MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening when the Captain asked me to dine at his table. TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals! FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives --- twice...... |
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Post by Cougar on Mar 22, 2005 14:31:33 GMT 9
Dumb Lawyer, Dumb Blonde - Same, Same. A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON! In delivering his ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was indeed frivolous. The judge then stated that the plaintiff nevertheless "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and that therefore the defendant was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and ordered to pay a $24,000 fine. A true story, and the First Place winner in a recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. |
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Jon Van Skiver
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 6
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Joined: March 2004
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Post by Jon Van Skiver on Apr 22, 2005 21:40:10 GMT 9
What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
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Post by Cougar on May 14, 2005 5:39:54 GMT 9
A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off". So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead shortly thereafter. "Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on. Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..." [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on Jul 4, 2005 13:20:22 GMT 9
A girl came skipping home after first grade class one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, "all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24 years old." [glow=red,2,300]  [/glow] |
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