|
|
Post by Cougar on Aug 30, 2005 8:04:12 GMT 9
1. Blondes hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel. 2. Blondie couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. 3. A blonde was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. 4. Then there was the blonde who took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. 5. Blondie couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. 6. When asked what the capital of California was; the blonde answered "C". . 7. A blonde got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years." 8. A blonde burnt her nose bobbing for French fries. 9. The blonde baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 96. 10. The blonde couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. 11. Blondes can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter. 12. Blondes change the baby's diaper once a month because the label says good for up to 20 pounds. 13. The blonde landscaper got hurt while raking leaves; she fell out of the tree. 14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, Ms. Blondie complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. 15. What goes "vroom-screech- vroom- screech," etc? A blonde at a flashing red light. 16. Two blondes are trying to unlock a car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top is down!"    |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Sept 23, 2005 12:27:39 GMT 9
There were 3 blonds. They were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!" The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said,! "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh; With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses! |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Oct 23, 2005 0:28:39 GMT 9
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul"). |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Oct 24, 2005 22:11:29 GMT 9
FINALLY A MALE BLONDE JOKE - A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!" |
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Nov 1, 2005 7:59:11 GMT 9
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then dished up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat
tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
THIS ONE BE FROM ME FINE MOTHER, The Old Sarge
|
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Dec 19, 2005 6:02:38 GMT 9
Blonde's Year in Review: January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"  April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! ;D May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???  October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! ;D What a year!! |
|
MOW
Administrator 
Owner/Operator
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,822 
Location:
Joined: September 2003
Retired: USAF, Civil Service
|
Post by MOW on Dec 22, 2005 10:51:14 GMT 9
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen wood searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 7, 2006 3:16:03 GMT 9
Blind Man In A Ladies Bar "Hey bartender, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 13, 2006 9:24:50 GMT 9
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing. "Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday." A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed." With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going. "Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark." |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 20, 2006 11:59:11 GMT 9
A guy got on a plane and had to sit next to a blonde who immediately turned to him and said, "You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The guy, who had just opened his book, closed it and looked at her warily. "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the blonde "How about...............nuclear power?" "OK," the guy agreed. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet, the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The blonde was dumbfounded. Finally she replied, "To be honest, I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," said the guy. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power with me, when you don't know crap!?" |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Mar 10, 2006 1:16:24 GMT 9
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said" Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" she said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked her how she knew. She said.... "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Apr 3, 2006 1:10:36 GMT 9
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Aug 12, 2006 10:22:02 GMT 9
A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Now listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" ::)The Old Sarge
|
|
Lee Nellist
F-106 Skilled
Founding Member
Currently: Offline
Posts: 189
Location:
Joined: April 2004
Retired: USAF
|
Post by Lee Nellist on Oct 26, 2006 10:53:10 GMT 9
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it suppossed to be when finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed..........."Lets put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
|
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 16, 2006 4:58:35 GMT 9
Today's Funniest are funnies that have been voted to be the funniest by Funny.com users in the past 24 hours.
Jokes Funny
Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next
# Title Type Length Rating Funny
31 True Story Joke Long PG13 7.00
32 The Whole Truth Joke Medium PG 7.00
33 20 Responses to Telemarketers Joke Long PG 7.00
34 The Mystery of the Curtain Rods Joke Long G 6.67
35 Missing Rooster Joke Short PG13 6.50
36 Hearing Joke Short PG 6.50
37 Preacher Goes Hunting Joke Medium G 6.50
38 Did Santa Bring That To You? Joke Medium PG13 6.40
39 Is she to dumb to be a blonde? Joke Medium PG 6.33
40 32 Rednecks Joke Short PG 6.33
Did you know that if you're logged in, we would automatically remember the Jokes that you've read. So when you return next time, you could skip those that you've read already?
Is she to dumb to be a blonde?
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
So I'll pass the question to you. Is she to dumb to be blonde?
|
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Shannon on Nov 16, 2006 5:07:48 GMT 9
Blonde Car Accident One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"  |
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 26, 2007 4:20:49 GMT 9
I Need a New Car A blonde was trying to sell her old car, but was having trouble because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it!"  :lol: |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Mar 14, 2007 23:19:59 GMT 9
Three women on death row are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!" |
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Apr 6, 2007 8:57:26 GMT 9
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" |
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Shannon on Apr 14, 2007 4:48:06 GMT 9
: Better blonde than Red (neck)
Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
|
|
