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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 9, 2014 6:00:08 GMT 9
Why Teachers DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
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Post by Marvin Pine on Sept 17, 2014 8:04:52 GMT 9
I got this from StrategyPage's Military Jokes and Military Humor
x
Quality, Not Quantity
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China."
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Oct 12, 2014 5:47:42 GMT 9
A poem for all of you who were stationed in the Northland. ---------------------------------
"O Lutefisk, O lutefisk, how well I do remember.
On Christmas Eve how we'd receive our big treat of December.
It wasn't turkey or fried ham.
It wasn't even pickled Spam.
My mother knew there was no risk In serving buttered lutefisk."
Author Christine Anderson
This was in the Minot Daily News.
Jim Too
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Post by Jim on Oct 12, 2014 10:38:35 GMT 9
A poem for all of you who were stationed in the Northland. ---------------------------------
"O Lutefisk, O lutefisk, how well I do remember.
On Christmas Eve how we'd receive our big treat of December.
It wasn't turkey or fried ham.
It wasn't even pickled Spam.
My mother knew there was no risk In serving buttered lutefisk."
Author Christine Anderson
This was in the Minot Daily News.
Jim Too
Not knowing whatnell the pastor is talking about concerning the Northland, having served at Limestone, Maine which is several hundred miles further north, I did some research and found this www.lawzone.com/half-nor/lutefisk.htm ..... After reading this I decided that I really didn't want to know what lutefisk was........
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Post by pat perry on Oct 30, 2014 21:23:48 GMT 9
This guy can blow his trombone until the cows come home. Watch to the end. Notice when the playing stops, the singing begins.
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Don Fletcher
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Post by Don Fletcher on Nov 10, 2014 1:25:53 GMT 9
British Taxi Driver London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.) A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.." Attachments:taxi.aspx (19.2 KB)
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Nov 23, 2014 6:31:24 GMT 9
Definitely not Politically Correct.
On A Street In Rome.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one t he Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look at this Goyim trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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Post by pat perry on Dec 9, 2014 23:38:44 GMT 9
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to "pass gas" in more genteel terms.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my "releases" to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod! This is what happens when old people start using technology!
Pat P.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 13, 2014 1:23:47 GMT 9
Computer Term Dictionary
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
MacBook Air: Apple's Mac that makes you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software
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Bullhunter
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Post by Bullhunter on Dec 22, 2014 17:56:55 GMT 9
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Wit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the
other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Post by pat perry on Dec 30, 2014 4:36:32 GMT 9
Not a joke but is funny.
Hilarious SWA Flight attendant- In Mid Life Crisis MUST meet Ellen and Jimmy Fallon!!
Southwest Airlines has some talented cabin crews. Many of them can make a boring flight funny.
Turn up the sound and listen because she talks fast.
19.6 million views
A message from the star of the show, Marty SWA Flight Attendant As I sit here....after 5 months on being here...I just want you ALL to know how completely humbled and blown away I am by all the support! I realize not everyone liked my video and I accept that....I am just truly blessed by God to do what I do....make people smile and hopefully make their experience on my flight better!! I am truly thankful and blessed!!
Here she is on the Ellen Show. Check out the rewards she got for making people laugh.
Pat P.
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Dec 30, 2014 6:38:40 GMT 9
My Building Permit
Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights,
and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighborhood.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The Building Inspector and the County Planning Commission told me; "Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.
I love this country. It's the government that scares the ---- out of me.
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Post by Jim on Dec 31, 2014 10:28:06 GMT 9
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
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Post by Jim on Jan 30, 2015 23:14:16 GMT 9
maybe???GOD was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "Close to Pennsylvania is Washington, D.C.... Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 1, 2015 0:09:14 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Feb 1, 2015 0:38:53 GMT 9
[> >>> HOT COFFEE >>> >>> Gotta love those grand-kids .. >>> >>> I was eating breakfast with my 7-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?" >>> >>> Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .. >>> >>> She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .. >>> I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. >>> >>> She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull crap." >>> >>> You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose./font]
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 9, 2015 4:24:09 GMT 9
Norwegian Salesman from Minnesota
Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.
Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.
Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said…"If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000.
If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!
Now, Ole concluded, Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 14, 2015 0:01:46 GMT 9
The US Army announced today the formation of a new 900-man elite fighting unit, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Mountain boys will be dropped off in Iraq, with plenty of cold beer, ammo and weaponry.
They have been given only the following facts about ISIS:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken..
4. They hate beer, pickups, nude women, country music and Jesus.
AND
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the ISIS problem in IRAQ to be more or less over by next Friday.
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Post by Jim on Feb 19, 2015 0:17:49 GMT 9
Remember Joe the Plumber?? Joe's Plumbing, 2017
Only weeks after leaving office, Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come out and fix it. Joe drives to Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community where all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500." "What?! $9,500?" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair! Joe says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free," explains Joe."This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014 .' I’m surprised you haven't heard of it." In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes unrepaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return. Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000." Obama quickly fires back, "What! A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Joe explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act ,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers into the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting, too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share." Obama says, "Joe! This is really bad. If all the rich people learn how to fix and maintain their own plumbing and you can't charge the poorer people, you'll be broke! What will you do then?" Joe replies, "I may have to run for office
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Post by Jim on Feb 23, 2015 12:22:35 GMT 9
Mark, thought you might explain
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