Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jun 12, 2014 6:20:03 GMT 9
Running Doe .....
GROAN.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Jun 12, 2014 10:51:46 GMT 9
Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.” “Oh, what is that, Doctor?” “Well, you have no nipples.” “None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” she replied. “That is amazing,” said the doctor. “I’d like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don’t mind. She said, “OK.” “First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?” She answered, “Approximately 500.” “And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, “We’re called … … The Indian Nippless Five Hundred!!! Jeff!!!!!!!! Did you really mean to post that? ?
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Shannon on Jun 15, 2014 17:47:06 GMT 9
The Goldberg Brothers…………. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show — Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jun 25, 2014 23:25:46 GMT 9
From GFCL
Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
|
|
Don Fletcher
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 72
Location:
Joined: May 2010
NFL: Broncos MLB: Rockies
|
Post by Don Fletcher on Jun 30, 2014 0:39:44 GMT 9
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42
to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old
guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough
to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We
are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some a**hole
that desperately deserves it will make
us feel better and shut us up for a
while..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to
get up before 10am. Old guys always
get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical
son-of-a-bit**.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old
guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft
\food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been
using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall
with rope hanging over the side, nor
did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out
that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his
head.
These are all great reasons to keep
our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off Old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that
their best years are already behind
them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women
over 50...in menopause!!! You think
MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured
the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends... in big type so they can
read it.
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Jul 1, 2014 0:50:45 GMT 9
Funny stuff.
Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens over 3 million hits. This is the actual 3 min song.
Anderson Cooper helped raise visibility to the song. Introducing viewers to a tune entitled "Older Ladies," by a woman named Donnalou Stevens, host Anderson Cooper dedicated the segment to an anthem for the aged, in part paying homage to the postmenopausal set.
During the piece, Cooper even found a way to work in America's favorite 50-plus foursome, rolling footage of an old "The Golden Girls" episode.
ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2014/06/26/ridiculist-an-ode-to-older-ladies-and-saggy-breasts-that-droop-from-my-chest/
Pat P
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Jul 7, 2014 7:39:51 GMT 9
FROM MY FRIEND, COUGAR When is reality not really a joke? ? A little Chicago humor! People driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago heard the many callers who were upset about a Goat's' head which had been sent to Chicago Cubs owner Tom Rickett. There was a great deal of outrage until some guy from Indiana called and asked a simple question, "Why are you all upset because someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field when it was you people who sent a horse's ass to the White House"?
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 23, 2014 8:08:40 GMT 9
Cars vs. Computers
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
============
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
============
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars stink!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed -- that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me your latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
|
|
Bullhunter
Global Moderator
318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
Currently: Offline
Posts: 7,374
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by Bullhunter on Jul 28, 2014 15:00:35 GMT 9
|
|
|
Post by Marvin Pine on Jul 29, 2014 2:36:13 GMT 9
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jul 30, 2014 8:10:03 GMT 9
This just about says it all!
In Israel, scientists at the University of Haifa are studying In-homogeneous tachyon dynamics.
The latest scientific invention in the Arab world is a buzzer that goes off when a Muslim falls asleep against his prayer rug.
David Horowitz (From a larger article)
|
|
Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
|
Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Aug 7, 2014 23:56:16 GMT 9
Irish Job Interview
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American also applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," replied the manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager said, "It's simple. The American answered 'I don't know' to question number 5. You put down 'Neither do I.'"
|
|
|
Post by Diamondback on Aug 8, 2014 13:49:30 GMT 9
Not a joke so much as a witticism I barfed up a few days ago on RedState...
"Harry Reid: America's National Bowel Obstruction, preventing Congress from Getting Sh*t Done since 2010."
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Aug 8, 2014 23:59:21 GMT 9
Not a joke so much as a witticism I barfed up a few days ago on RedState... "Harry Reid: America's National Bowel Obstruction, preventing Congress from Getting Sh*t Done since 2010." HEY, Snake ....... That is sick!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Diamondback on Aug 9, 2014 14:06:17 GMT 9
Yeah, it's crude, admittedly Bathroom Humor (sorry, congenital personality defect, my grandfather was the same way*)... but can ya dispute the ACCURACY of it? LOL *Seriously, when you were raised by someone who busted a gut every time he saw the Floating Baby Ruth Bar scene in Caddyshack... apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Aug 15, 2014 8:25:54 GMT 9
This is a hoot for all of us over 55! Published on May 30, 2014 Part Two Senior Conference On Aging. Held at the First Church of the Nazarene of Pasadena. Keynote Speaker Fritz Coleman NBC4's weathercaster is a Southern California broadcasting icon. Pat P.
Remember, there is some truth in all humor.
This video is great, it takes 15 minutes but it is so true and very very funny.
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Aug 22, 2014 7:47:29 GMT 9
It is funny now, but in Nam, our weapons were under lock and key
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 4, 2014 10:24:02 GMT 9
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an "A".
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 7, 2014 8:01:09 GMT 9
Wanna see what happens to the world when Obama gets loose and opens his mouth? See that rotating globe on the left below the menu?- Well put your cursor on it and drag down without clicking
|
|