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Post by Jim on Feb 23, 2015 23:58:03 GMT 9
Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه . ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه . ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا نيست نقش If I Hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.
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Post by Mark O on Feb 24, 2015 3:44:30 GMT 9
Mark, thought you might explain Ah yes, my job description!
Most of the Take-Off and Landing Data (TOLD) I did was computed by hand from a large binder full of performance charts. We used to say we would, "measure it with a micrometer, cut it with a knife, and mark it with a grease pencil." Pretty much accurate!
Of course the pilots relied on us to give them those numbers, but it was always a bit of a mystery how we got them! (Well, the good ones were interested, and we taught them!)
Just one of the fun things about being an FE!
(A real TOLD card mounted just above the co-pilots instrument panel. Somewhere over Iraq...)
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Post by Jim on Feb 26, 2015 23:48:13 GMT 9
when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. > > > St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here - I'll be right back." > > > St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. > > > God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you that you can't be judgmental here. > > > This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" > > > > St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. > > > He returns to God's chambers and says " Well, they're gone. > > > "The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
> > "No. The Pearly Gates"
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Post by Jim on Feb 27, 2015 3:34:37 GMT 9
Dating in 1958........
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!"Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?"Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. "Have fun, kids, the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF NBA: Spurs NFL: Niners MLB: Giants NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on May 14, 2015 3:01:45 GMT 9
Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway- but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1765. If you haven't, add 1764
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number, The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2015) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS..
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Don Fletcher
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 72
Location:
Joined: May 2010
NFL: Broncos MLB: Rockies
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Post by Don Fletcher on May 17, 2015 23:46:58 GMT 9
FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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Post by pat perry on May 26, 2015 11:24:41 GMT 9
Got this from my buddy who has a small farm in McKinney, TX.
Pat P.
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Post by LBer1568 on Jun 6, 2015 22:43:33 GMT 9
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms..
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No crap?' WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small weener.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.' FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.' SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
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Post by pat perry on Jun 11, 2015 4:06:15 GMT 9
Aaron Wilburn is a comedian from the south and this reflects in his humor. His jokes are quite good and will make you laugh. In this video he jests about country music songs and then follows up with one of his own, “If My Nose was Running Money.”
1funny.com/if-my-nose-was-running-money/
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Post by Jim on Jun 25, 2015 7:05:02 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Jul 7, 2015 22:17:55 GMT 9
Couldn't 24 hours go by without someone posting....... Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $98,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
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Post by Jim on Jul 22, 2015 3:59:38 GMT 9
For you football fans..... Subj: Name Change ?
Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word "Washington" from the team name and will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins".
It was reported that he finds that the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.
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Post by Jim on Aug 19, 2015 8:33:51 GMT 9
Sarcasm 101
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
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Post by Jim on Sept 5, 2015 1:42:14 GMT 9
I THOUGHT I’D LET YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SURPRISE WINDFALL: I won a Nigerian lottery according to an email I received from a Nigerian prince named Tyrone the Second. He holds the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in my name and he wants to send it to me FREE! All I have to do is give him my bank account numbers and send him $500.00 US dollars cash, to show my good faith so he can transfer the money! And then I got ANOTHER email: It's from a KENYAN fool who wants to give me FREE healthcare for life! All I have to do is give him: MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION and pay $900 per month for a policy with only a $10,000 deductible. Then he can make it happen! Am I on a roll or what !!!!
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Post by Jim on Sept 5, 2015 2:14:43 GMT 9
As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails. Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months, I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you. How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace, we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive, only to be forced to return much of the treasures by Washington. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by. During those difficult times, we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding, and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000.00, what could she do. So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes, I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that I can continue the King Obama policies, and we can all live happily ever after. Queen Hilarity Rodham Clinton
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Post by Jim on Oct 20, 2015 0:36:35 GMT 9
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The King was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. This tradition continues to this day
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Post by Jim on Oct 24, 2015 0:07:23 GMT 9
> > > The Veterinarian ? > > > > > > One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! > > The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. > > > "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. > > "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." > > > > The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" > > The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." > > The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" > > "He is a veterinarian," she answered. > > "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?" > > The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada... > > He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno" >
And they cater to the NBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Past and Present!!!!! > > > > > > > > >
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Post by Jim on Oct 25, 2015 0:20:32 GMT 9
Another interesting ditty
***
A Boy from Arkansas
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school at YALE, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!
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Post by Jim on Oct 25, 2015 0:22:42 GMT 9
[font size="4"Just passing this on
***
GREAT TRUTHS & FOOD FOR THOUGHT AS THE NEXT ELECTION APPROACHES 1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams 2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain 3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill 5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw 6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy 7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) 8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University. 9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850) 11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986) 12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers 13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke 14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764) 15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.) 16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866) 17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous 18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan 19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain 21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) 22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain 23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians --Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995) 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop ][/font]
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