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Post by Cougar on Jul 14, 2005 0:08:48 GMT 9
This falls under the category of Jokes, so why not. If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000. The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington, D.C.  ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by Jim on Jul 14, 2005 11:14:54 GMT 9
The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington, D.C. ;D ;D ;D ALL EXCEPT TED KENNEDY, THAT IS JIM |
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Post by Cougar on Sept 16, 2005 0:07:11 GMT 9
Subject: moral or ethical dilemma You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continue reading ... This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box." HOWEVER ... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery. Have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car. Then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!    |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 16, 2005 2:50:08 GMT 9
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting." |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 21, 2005 0:55:09 GMT 9
Hunting season is here, so the Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in wooded areas. People are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle a bear unexpectedly. They also recommend carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity, and to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. |
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Post by Cougar on Nov 6, 2005 3:41:42 GMT 9
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. |
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Post by Cougar on Nov 26, 2005 8:27:17 GMT 9
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." |
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Post by Cougar on Dec 7, 2005 14:21:30 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Dec 7, 2005 23:12:28 GMT 9
A living will
Keith & Kendra were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Kendra got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Question: Who needs a living will more, Keith or Kendra?
;D
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Post by pat perry on Dec 8, 2005 6:51:06 GMT 9
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday
;D
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Post by Cougar on Dec 8, 2005 10:18:48 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on Dec 10, 2005 14:51:51 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on Dec 13, 2005 14:23:48 GMT 9
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docwatson
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 74
Location:
Joined: May 2005
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Post by docwatson on Dec 14, 2005 6:20:57 GMT 9
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury. ;D
- groucho marx?
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Post by Cougar on Dec 19, 2005 22:48:49 GMT 9
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Post by Cougar on Jan 2, 2006 23:20:48 GMT 9
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Deleted
Currently: Offline
Posts: 0
Location:
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2006 14:13:58 GMT 9
October 2001: Taliban supreme leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar: "The situation where we are now, there are two things: either death or victory. To those who are fighting and bombarding us, they should understand the Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for jihad." June 1944 General George S. Patton: "I want you to remember that no b*st*rd ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb b*st*rd die for his country..." Sounds like ole Blood and Guts was right again. ArchAngel  |
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Post by Cougar on Apr 17, 2006 12:06:31 GMT 9
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Your death! (What's that supposed to be, some sort of bonus?) The life cycle is all backwards.(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day. (2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. (3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School. (4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby; (5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then.... .....your life ends as an orgasm! |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on May 8, 2006 4:52:49 GMT 9
Has anyone ever stop to think and forgot to start again....?
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Post by Cougar on May 11, 2006 23:31:46 GMT 9
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore.. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE." |
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