|
Post by pat perry on Jan 30, 2006 10:55:56 GMT 9
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Jan 30, 2006 10:59:35 GMT 9
Ahhh... The French! What a romantic bunch...
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands, salutes and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Jan 31, 2006 11:17:26 GMT 9
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said, " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?", the girlfriend asked. The lady said, "That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters."
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Feb 2, 2006 12:53:39 GMT 9
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... hole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." Thanks to me brother, Russ for this, The Old Sarge
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 3, 2006 5:16:41 GMT 9
Study In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a weener was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $25.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 4, 2006 8:07:06 GMT 9
A whole new twist to the little blue pill ... An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new shoes.
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 9, 2006 0:57:36 GMT 9
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's hangin in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal."
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 16, 2006 9:20:13 GMT 9
|
|
docwatson
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 74
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by docwatson on Feb 17, 2006 1:12:51 GMT 9
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out:
“Watch out for that f*cking wall!”
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 17, 2006 2:13:36 GMT 9
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out . "SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO
|
|
docwatson
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 74
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by docwatson on Feb 23, 2006 5:19:20 GMT 9
They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day,any time of day that you want."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you'll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your #$@% bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Feb 23, 2006 10:02:20 GMT 9
From Stan Wood - I was a Lt. pilot with the 456th in 45 and 46. Flew Jugs, 38s and 51s with the 456th as well as the first Lockheed P-80s when we were supplied with 30 of them while stationed at Florida Blanca in the Philippines.
AVIATION WISDOM --------------------------------------------------- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) --------------------------------------------------- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." --------------------------------------------------- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor --------------------------------------------------- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." ---------------------------------------------------! "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." --------------------------------------------------- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the! pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." --------------------------------------------------- "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." ---------------------------------- ----------------- "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." --------------------------------------------------- "Mankind has a perfect record! in aviation; we never left one up there!" --------------------------------------------------- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." --------------------------------------------------- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) ------------------------! --------------------------- "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon Mc Bride, astronaut --------------------------------------------------- "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) --------------------------------------------------- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." --------------------------------------------------- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Mont han AFB, AZ, 1970 --------------------------------------------------- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." --------! ------------------------------------------- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there." ----------------------- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." --------------------------------------------------- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pat Perry 456th FIS 66-68
|
|
docwatson
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 74
Location:
Joined: May 2005
|
Post by docwatson on Feb 24, 2006 4:22:38 GMT 9
A Love Story ------- Heartwarming A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fuc-ing blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. :lol:
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Feb 27, 2006 14:22:00 GMT 9
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest patiently responded, "You come from a large family, but I am the Father of hundreds," and then went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards, instead of your collar."
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 1, 2006 12:23:57 GMT 9
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college..... I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Mar 4, 2006 23:48:24 GMT 9
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A VERY HAPPY LIFE: 1. It is very important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job. 2. It is very important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It is very important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It is very important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It is extemely important that these four women don't know each other.
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 12, 2006 0:03:22 GMT 9
--I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Mar 14, 2006 9:04:02 GMT 9
::)TIS BE A TIPPIN ME GREEN BOTTLE TO ME FOINE FRIEND, KNOWN AMONGST US OTHER FOINE IRISHMEN AS "NUMBNUTS" FOR THIS FOINE STORY, AN FOR SURE TIS TRUE, I BE SURE......The Old Sarge Irish Viagra An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin. "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went". It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!." "Really? What happened?", asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".............
|
|
|
Post by Cougar on Mar 15, 2006 2:08:22 GMT 9
"No Sex Since 1955 ..." A crusty Old Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Old Sarge for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Old Sarge just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Old Sarge, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 21:30 now."
|
|
|
Post by pat perry on Mar 16, 2006 3:36:48 GMT 9
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
"The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute..
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....an i nvitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! -- Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
|
|