Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Archived) (Read 36,204 times)

He’d probably tell the officer that his grandpa liked "Tequila and wet women with hard nipples."

Hope you all had a Happy New Year

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers....

and then there are educators.

JUST FOR YOU DUFFERS


GOLF LESSONS


A foursome is waiting on the men's tee, while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.



She looks up at the men, who are watching impatiently, and says,apologetically: "I guess all those

f***king........ lessons I took this winter didn't help".



One of the men immediately replies: "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead".



To this day, a memorial marker for him stands next to that tee box as a warning to other potential wise asses.
The Old Sarge

Just received a good list of quotes by famous people. Where is Mark Twain when we really need him?
Enjoy,
Pat

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
............Mark Twain


2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
............Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
.............George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money..............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
............James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
.............Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys................P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
..........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
.......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
..............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
.........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
...........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
...........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
...........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap except when Congress does it.
.........Unknown

16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
............Ronald Reagan

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
..........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
..........Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
...........Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
...........Mark Twain

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
........Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
...........Thomas Jefferson

Older But Smarter

A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife...

"Son of a bitch ... third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the "Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man says, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Big Bubba."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, "But...Dave.......you're a veterinarian."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady went inside between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."