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Post by Jim on Jul 16, 2005 9:01:48 GMT 9
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
>barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when
>the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
>
>The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think
>I've been in a whorehouse!"
>
>The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My
>wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
>------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by Cougar on Jul 18, 2005 12:19:13 GMT 9
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."  [glow=red,2,300]   [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on Jul 25, 2005 4:57:28 GMT 9
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in. [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on Aug 2, 2005 17:06:01 GMT 9
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements are pending [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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docwatson
F-106 Qualified
Currently: Offline
Posts: 74
Location:
Joined: May 2005
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Post by docwatson on Aug 6, 2005 0:54:47 GMT 9
My turn: A Somalli immigrant new the the US met a stranger while walking. Elated to be in a free country he went up to the stranger and said "Thank you for letting me come to your wonderful America". "No senor", came the reply, "I am not American, I am Mexican". Confused, the Somallian continued his walk eventually coming upon another stranger. "You have wonderful country, this America". "I no American, I from VietNam" was his reply. Again the Somalli continued his walk. Running into yet another stranger, and wanting so to make friends, he tried again. "This is such wonderful country, America". "I am not American. I am from Lebanon". Well now he's totally confused. He comes across an attractive woman and asks "Are you American". "No" she replied, "I am Russian". "Where are all the Americans" he asked. She looked at her watch, shrugged and said "Probably at work".  |
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Post by Cougar on Aug 8, 2005 16:33:04 GMT 9
Never Assume Anything! A guy is in the checkout at the Super Market when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!” His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a$$?" "No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher." [glow=red,2,300] [/glow] |
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Post by Cougar on Aug 14, 2005 10:42:43 GMT 9
THE RENT A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, Calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note - Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note - Dear Sir, 1) First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. 2) As for the heat, there is plenty of it, If you know how to turn it on. 3) Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady. |
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Post by Cougar on Aug 20, 2005 2:23:09 GMT 9
Don't know how accurate this is, but.............. Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC: "There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm; all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. Now, if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it." |
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Post by Jim on Aug 25, 2005 22:41:59 GMT 9
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his
eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees
another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell...The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun
instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall
and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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Post by pat perry on Aug 26, 2005 5:34:44 GMT 9
An 80-year-old man from Montana went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better! Life is great and I now
have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'! . Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.? What do you think of that?
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."
The doctor replied
"My point exactly"
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Post by Cougar on Sept 23, 2005 12:18:38 GMT 9
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." |
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Post by Cougar on Sept 26, 2005 12:37:21 GMT 9
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN........ A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating" Sally raised her hand She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." |
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Post by pat perry on Sept 26, 2005 21:59:36 GMT 9
I was sitting in a restaurant recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.
Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
;D
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Post by pat perry on Oct 5, 2005 2:07:47 GMT 9
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children." His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery? "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher." |
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Post by pat perry on Oct 6, 2005 6:25:49 GMT 9
This morning on I-75, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. #@^*! women drivers ! |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 7, 2005 14:57:23 GMT 9
A young woman had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the happy bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Excuse me, back hole is singing because front hole is so happy ." |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 7, 2005 22:10:52 GMT 9
Three old retired airman are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 16, 2005 2:52:57 GMT 9
Two 80 year old spinsters are outside their nursing home, drinking schnapps and smoking cigarettes, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that rubber thing? Mable: Its called a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mable: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, just as long as it will fit over my Camel." The pharmacist fainted. |
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Post by Jim on Oct 19, 2005 8:59:41 GMT 9
A pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished. Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?" "Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot. "Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell." Thanks to our resident Convair Tech Rep- numbnuts, for this un........ The Old Sarge which beats the hell out of METAMUCIL |
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Post by Cougar on Oct 22, 2005 3:53:22 GMT 9
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and handed it to the old man. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," he said. "Get serious you pervert," she replied. "I want it four times in the rocking chair." |
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