Joke-Oh-Tha-Day (Archived) (Read 36,210 times)

I must have missed the training session on that technique!

  Funny stuff, and yes I did laugh out loud!

A correction to your statement, Lorin.

As a golfer since I was very young, I can say this with no hesitation.

EVERY Golfer should be considered for the nut house.

For many years, before I finally quit playing, I didn't use a score card, if I could keep from it.

Drove some people to distraction, as they get too competitive.

I never gambled on the game, as it was not my style.

My Pop, who was a professional golfer in the '30s and early '40s, told me to just play the game and I would know how well I was doing without a score card.

I always knew how many strokes I had taken, on  a given hole,  I just never wrote them down.

I played the game one hole at a time, not concerned about the final total.

Made the game much less frustrating.

Maybe I should clean up my old clubs, real wood, not metal, "woods", and regular sized irons, not oversized.

I learned to play with Pop's wooden shaft clubs, then later bought a set of True Temper shaft clubs.

I have a tournement set, but it is 40 years old.


FORE!

Jim Too

It's not that difficult.  See this simple explanation, and pay attention to the comment in the lower left corner!

www.fistofblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/golfswing.jpg

With all the tenseness in the world we need something we can identify with... Maybe this is it.
WHY AT 65+ DON'T SOME FOLKS BELONG TO FACEBOOK

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with
1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos,
pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress
for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and
2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I
could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of
space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the (well, you know) of the entire next generation. I am not
ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf
bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed
to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble
talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had
to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the
GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was
the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10
minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that
she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go
with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I
made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get
really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and
while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least
she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to
use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still
haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around
digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets
when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They
even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags
to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now
I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me
with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I just turned red and didn't
answer.

P.S. I know some of you are not over 65. I sent it to you to
allow you to forward it to those who are.

......Not me, I figured your
sense of humor could handle it....

We senior citizens don't need
anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can
handle.

Montana Cowboys, gotta love 'em!

An 80-year-old rancher from Montana goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing.

In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went

to a bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father?

How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

A day late............................
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

LITTLE JOHNNY IS AT IT AGAIN.......................





President Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher fainted!