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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2013 12:46:05 GMT 9
Thoughts for 2013 As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me! 1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired.
Go around me. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I still don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. Its hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter[ 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........  |
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 1, 2013 0:57:27 GMT 9
Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military
leadership. He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military
platoon. So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea... Terrific! Sorry, just remembered that we did the same thing. We took an arrogant bastard community
organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we
made him "Beloved Leader" of the United States TWICE !!! I'm sorry I brought this up. Never mind. |
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
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Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Mar 2, 2013 0:37:52 GMT 9
Homesick Snowbird? I was
in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car
that read, shot
out two of the tires and left a note that read, |
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Post by Jim on Mar 3, 2013 2:01:34 GMT 9
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the girl thingy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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Post by Jim on Mar 3, 2013 2:02:02 GMT 9
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the girl thingy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 7, 2013 5:59:34 GMT 9
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE
DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought
the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie
still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper
and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the
woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the
woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to
the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe
here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed
that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden
snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and
his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the
yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 9, 2013 0:09:16 GMT 9
CLEVER CATHOLICS - ST. NANCY PELOSI
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money so I'll find a way to work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Nancy Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumbsucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared to President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2013 3:13:29 GMT 9
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine 6.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11.The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer all day 13.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelvepeople who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2013 10:47:54 GMT 9
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
>
1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. (This was just a test!)
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person &everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
I'm actually sending it to share a bit of fun with my friends. I suspect most fun loving people fall for it!
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Mar 15, 2013 2:22:36 GMT 9
Punography
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Mar 15, 2013 2:27:38 GMT 9
Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Mar 15, 2013 2:32:28 GMT 9
The truths about life, that little children have learnt:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
The great truths about life, that adults have learnt:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Great truths about the different stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Great truths about success in life:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Mar 15, 2013 2:36:07 GMT 9
Product and company slogans that really never quite gaught on too well...
Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid."
Iguana: "The other green meat."
weener Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"
Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
Trojans: "Just add meat."
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Mar 15, 2013 2:40:35 GMT 9
This is a compilation of some of the best out of office Automatic email replies...
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2013 10:36:01 GMT 9
THOUGHT YOU COULD USE A LAUGH TODAY
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.
Give me an Amen
AMEN, PREACHER
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Post by Jim on Mar 25, 2013 11:51:23 GMT 9
Guess what Texan I stole this from? ? MT. VERNON, TEXAS.. WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE! Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!" |
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Post by pat perry on Mar 26, 2013 6:51:33 GMT 9
An
atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What
powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he
was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder
again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on
the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time
Stopped!
The bear froze!
The forest was silent.
As a bright
light shone upon the man,
a voice came out of the
sky.
'You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
credit
creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out
of this predicament?
Am
I to count you as a believer?’
The
atheist looked directly into the light,
'It would be hypocritical of me to
suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the
BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The
light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right
paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Pat P.
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Post by pat perry on Mar 26, 2013 8:06:03 GMT 9
Another bear joke. Pat P. Woman Stops Grizzly Bear Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber is the weapon of choice for this woman. In her own words: While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's kneecap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection." |
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Post by Mark O on Mar 26, 2013 8:16:50 GMT 9
Now THAT was funny Pat P!! I'd give you a karma for that one - oh wait - Hey MOW? What's the status? Seriously, I laughed out loud when I read that one! Fantastic!!  |
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Post by Marvin Pine on Mar 27, 2013 0:10:57 GMT 9
Now Pat you know that handguns aren't allowed in Canada.
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