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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 26, 2023 3:38:59 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 27, 2023 1:15:19 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 28, 2023 22:45:18 GMT 9
Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." “Again? Why?" "They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters.” "Why?” "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let’s give it a try." PS: I will be 79 on 4 July and I found the first Hooters in Clearwater FL before they became a huge organization.
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 28, 2023 23:03:11 GMT 9
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 29, 2023 0:53:46 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Apr 11, 2023 7:10:31 GMT 9
I want to order this
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Post by LBer1568 on Apr 12, 2023 1:32:57 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Apr 30, 2023 21:18:46 GMT 9
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
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Post by Jeff Shannon on May 5, 2023 4:08:42 GMT 9
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 3, 2023 12:21:43 GMT 9
SAT Answers ============
The following questions and answers were collected from SAT's (Scholastic Aptitude Test) given to 16-year-old students in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000!
Q - Name the four seasons. A - Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - How is dew formed? A - The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q - What is a planet? A - A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q - What causes the tides in the oceans? A - The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q - In a democratic society, how important are elections? A - Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q - What happens to your body as you age? A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q - Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A - Premature death.
Q - How can you delay milk turning sour? A - Keep it in the cow.
Q - How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A - The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q - What is the Fibula? A - A small lie.
Q - What does "varicose" mean? A - Nearby.
Q - What is the most common form of birth control? A - Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section." A - The cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q - What is a seizure? A - A Roman emperor.
Q - What is a terminal illness? A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean? A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Post by Marvin Pine on Jul 3, 2023 23:29:47 GMT 9
The answer to the question about elections is close to the truth about recent ones because we all got screwed.
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Post by Marvin Pine on Oct 19, 2023 11:25:27 GMT 9
A little town way back in the Ozarks was slowly dying as the older people died and the younger ones moved away. While for many years this little town had supported two churches,a baptist church and a christian church, it was down to the point where it only has enough people to keep one of them going. The two congregations met together to decide what to do and came to the conclusion that they would have to merge the two churches into one, then came the debate over which denomination the church would be. After much debate back and forth from many of the people a vote was taken and it was decided that they would be a christian church at which one elderly lady stood up and stomped toward the door, when asked what twas the matter, she replied,"I've been a baptist all my life and I'm not about to become a christian now."
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 10, 2024 0:02:03 GMT 9
Girl Calls Her Boyfriend Over Desperate For His Help. What He Finds Is Hilarious. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started. ”Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished? “The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. “He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then… “He said with a deep sigh, “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 10, 2024 1:28:04 GMT 9
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip, shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over... On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.
So here I am."
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 10, 2024 22:27:26 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 11, 2024 0:24:14 GMT 9
How true it is.
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 11, 2024 0:28:27 GMT 9
Does this remind you of any political figure?
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Post by Diamondback on Mar 11, 2024 0:32:45 GMT 9
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Post by Marvin Pine on Mar 11, 2024 5:13:01 GMT 9
One dark rainy night a drunk staggered into a bar and ask the bartender,"how tall is a penguin?" The bar tender was taken by surprise by a question he'd never been asked before said,"what are talking about?" the drunk getting a little belligerent said,"how tall is a damn penguin!?" The mystified bar keep finally said,"about three feet", to which the drunk responded,"oh no, I just ran over a nun".
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 13, 2024 11:46:58 GMT 9
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