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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 16, 2022 22:26:24 GMT 9
A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!" The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?" The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, "See? That man has balls!" The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!" The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?". The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself." Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!" The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!" The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?" The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!" The seaman replies, "*dang* you, sir!" The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 17, 2022 4:10:44 GMT 9
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever? Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 17, 2022 22:33:22 GMT 9
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer: "A prostitute of course." Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 17, 2022 22:47:04 GMT 9
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cows. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says: “Shhhh! They are about to land!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Aug 19, 2022 3:55:21 GMT 9
With a very seductive voice the young wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?” He said “No!”trying to hide his arousal. She said….. “Check the garage.”😂
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Post by pat perry on Aug 30, 2022 6:26:25 GMT 9
It's time for a new joke because we are all getting too serious to laugh at ourselves. So, here's one that spans the U.S. so we can all laugh with each other. Keep an eye on the weather forecast and respond accordingly. Pat P.
Retirement Options:
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where… 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where... 1 You say, "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.) 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where... 1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, road repair and mosquitos.
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killing" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.” 6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
-OR-
FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 1, 2022 1:07:40 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 2, 2022 3:48:47 GMT 9
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Post by lindel on Sept 2, 2022 22:33:27 GMT 9
Amen!
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 4, 2022 23:01:22 GMT 9
Listed this under jokes, but it has a lot of truth in it.
Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming. One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances toward him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“ Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“ The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location. The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia. Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“ “That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“ Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car. After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“ The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“ “No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question, I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
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Post by Diamondback on Sept 5, 2022 3:44:18 GMT 9
Listed this under jokes, but it has a lot of truth in it. Truth is what MAKES it funny.
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 24, 2022 22:20:24 GMT 9
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady: What's that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
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Post by LBer1568 on Sept 25, 2022 23:22:13 GMT 9
Hillbilly Moms Letter Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle??? Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Mom
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Post by Diamondback on Oct 30, 2022 12:41:39 GMT 9
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Post by pat perry on Oct 31, 2022 9:35:10 GMT 9
My 80+ year old Xerox retiree buddy sent me this:
The fact I have forwarded this to you doesn't necessarily suggest you are "old". You might want to save this so you will recognize signs of aging when you get to this point in your life. 😉 TD
God's Plan for Aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then, God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So, if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
Pat P.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Dec 23, 2022 4:00:13 GMT 9
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill & talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered a traveler who was passing through the town. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the traveler left. Having to get gas, he pulled into a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town. He asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter & ruffled through some pages. Finally she jabbed her finger at a passage. She said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 9, 2023 2:08:58 GMT 9
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills." The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied. "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
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Post by pat perry on Mar 3, 2023 7:52:30 GMT 9
This one is for Jeff Shannon who keeps us informed with jokes. 1. I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear. 2. Hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together. 3. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me. 4. My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.... 5. At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next. 6. I thought growing old would take longer. 7. I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on. 8. The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed.... I need bail money. 9. Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye. 10. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. 11. The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone." 12. A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume. 13. .... did I roll my eyes out loud? 14. Life is too short to waste time matching socks. 15. Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. 16. If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting. 17. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food. 18. Some people call me crazy. I prefer ‘happy with a twist’. 19. My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it." 20. I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit. 21. Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. 22. Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title. 23. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. 24. The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love. 25. Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home. 26. I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 27. If you're happy and you still know it, it's your meds. Thanks. Pat P.
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Post by LBer1568 on Mar 10, 2023 0:15:36 GMT 9
Well Texas is largest state in Continal US, but it seems they also post the largest posts. Someone said the hot air in Texas raises risk of tornados. Great post Pat...lol
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Post by pat perry on Mar 10, 2023 1:43:17 GMT 9
Well Texas is largest state in Continal US, but it seems they also post the largest posts. Someone said the hot air in Texas raises risk of tornados. Great post Pat...lol Lorin, that Texas Post was sent to my wife years ago by a friend and she sent me a copy before deleting it.
Yes, the hot air raises risk of tornadoes.
I get emails every day from my friends East of DFW telling me to STOP SENDING BAD WEATHER TO ME!
I have been to most of those Texas towns over the past 44 years. They have great beer and barbecue!
When my friends on the West Coast stop sending bad weather to DFW, I'll stop sending it Eastward. LOL!
Stay dry and warm! Thanks, Pat P.
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