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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 23, 2022 23:55:03 GMT 9
A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. The waiter explains they have good taste. The meatballs are actually the bull testicles from the bull fight earlier that day. The fella says, they really look good, we’ll have the same. Oh, sorry senor but there is only one serving each day. If you come early and place your order tomorrow morning, we will hold them for you. The couple come in the next evening and are served the platter with the “meatballs”. The guy calls the waiter over and says, these are really good but they are much smaller than the “meatballs” on the platter yesterday. The waiter replies, sorry senor, but sometimes the bull wins.
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 24, 2022 22:22:27 GMT 9
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 25, 2022 1:02:38 GMT 9
A 65 year old goes to the doctor? After the examination the doctor says, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape. I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?" Clyde says, "What, my father died?" The doctor responds, “No, I just figured at your age, but I’m not surprised. How old is he?” Clyde quips, “He’s 85.” Doc says,, “OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?” Clyde, with a look of surprise asks, “What, papaw died?” The doctor is incredulous. “You’re grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?” Well, he’s 105 and he’s why I’m getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He’s marrying a 25 year old.” Doc says, “Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?” Clyde says with a wry smile, ”Who says he WANTED to?”
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 26, 2022 10:56:37 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Jul 26, 2022 15:19:34 GMT 9
It'd be funnier if it wasn't so true...
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Post by LBer1568 on Jul 28, 2022 6:38:49 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Jul 28, 2022 11:44:45 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Jul 28, 2022 14:41:06 GMT 9
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Post by Diamondback on Aug 3, 2022 4:37:45 GMT 9
I'm sure y'all remember THESE guys...
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 3, 2022 22:14:45 GMT 9
Mother’s milk… Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+.
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 5, 2022 1:55:47 GMT 9
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a girl thingy?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a girl thingy?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a girl thingy?" "Yes I do," says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife alone and start using yours!"
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 6, 2022 23:20:19 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 8, 2022 22:19:19 GMT 9
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
PS Gas is $3.65
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 11, 2022 10:54:23 GMT 9
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 12, 2022 1:40:13 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 12, 2022 1:44:25 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 13, 2022 10:28:29 GMT 9
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 14, 2022 4:07:38 GMT 9
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 16, 2022 8:05:14 GMT 9
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you” She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that you have to be single and you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
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Post by LBer1568 on Aug 16, 2022 8:17:44 GMT 9
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