The Falcon and Me (Read 2,408 times)

It was mid to late November 1989. I was a newlywed on leave before PCSing to Okinawa from Holloman AFB, NM. My bride of 6 weeks, was a crew chief stationed at Hill AFB, UT. We really didn’t talk airplanes much. Mostly because we couldn’t agree. She loved the F-16 and I was a diehard Eagle Keeper. She had crewed the Eagle before and in her mind was able to make an educated decision. Her decision was, the F-15 sucks! I strongly disagreed but, what do you do? She was my new wife. I wasn’t about to go to war over this issue. That came many years later, different story though.

About a week prior to my arrival at Hill, her squadron had a real world deployment. Her aircraft runway aborted for a leading edge flap actuator malfunction. The number 3 actuator locked up and tweaked the flap and leading edge of the wing. I was invited out to help repair the damage. Depot had all ready repaired the structural damage and was in the process of installing the actuators again. They were all on break and I decided to look over the plane. I was on top checking things out when my wife started yelling at me for not wearing booties. I’d seen booties before. I bet I’d worn them before, but not at Holloman. I chuckled and smiled at her thinking she’s being “cute” and she yells at me again. Now I know she’s serious. I don’t quite understand because I’m wearing Reeboks for Christ sakes but… I climb down and she tells me if I’m not going to behave go sit in the chair by the door. I comply, thinking to myself “what a wimpy airplane. You can’t even walk on it with tennis shoes on”. Some time goes by and I get bored again. I mosey over to the front of the wing and see she’s trying to install the actuator. I lend a hand and we’re making progress. We were having trouble installing the shims. It was just a very tight fit. I look around and find a ball peen hammer. I get the actuator in place and give it a couple of gentle taps. She started to freak out on me! “Where did you get that hammer? You can’t hit that like that”. Now I’m really perplexed. I wasn’t that shabby of a mechanic. I crewed the squadron commander’s jet and was a QA inspector. I thought I had a clue. I was promptly sent back to my chair by the door. At this point my attitude about the 16 was turning sour. What use is there for a plane you can’t walk on or hit with a hammer? After my feelings were “unhurt” I decided I’ll go look in the cockpit. Can’t hurt anything there, right? Wrong! I’m standing on the ladder looking at the layout. It’s interesting, so I ask if I can sit in it. Don’t want to damage this “delicate” machine they call the F-16 so I get permission. I’m granted her highness’ permission and start to climb in. All hell broke loose again. I’m thinking “what’d I do this time”, the seats de-armed, pins are in place etc. Come to find out, I was standing on the seat pan! I had no idea that that was strictly verboten! The F-15 has the ACES II seat as well and we could stand, jump, and dance on it if you’re so inclined. Now I really am getting tired of this, how should I put it, “overly delicate aerospace delivery vehicle”. I climbed down again. I was than informed that you can’t stand on the seat pan because of the inclination of the seat. I remember thinking, “yeah, whatever”. At that point I was sent to get lunch for everybody. While I was gone, I made up my mind about the F-16 Fighting Flacon. It’s too delicate for me. I worked 106’s and F-15’s, real airplanes. You could stand on them, without slippers. You could sit in them, without pulling a muscle trying to get your legs in, and you could use whatever means necessary to fix them!
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I returned with lunch and we all ate. We swapped “war” stories until it was time to go back to work. The Chief came out and introduced himself to me. We talked a bit and he asked if I was going to stick around and help rig the flaps. I’d previously scanned the procedure in the T.O. I have to admit, it threw me for a loop. I had no idea what “asymmetric” rigging was. I didn’t even know what the word meant at the time! I explained this to the chief. He laughed and promptly told me that the F-15 has flaps. I explained that Eagle flaps were simple. They were up, no light. In transit, amber light, or down, green light. We concurred that it was best to let the depot guys do the rigging. I do have to admit, it was fun learning something new. I got bored again while the depot guys were on break so…I got a set of booties out of the tool box, to cover my “destructive” Reeboks, and climbed up on the backbone. My lovely wife asked me what I was looking for. I told her I was looking for the hooks. She rolled her eyes, the first of many eye rolls to come I might add, and told me the hook was on the bottom. I told her I wasn’t looking for the tail hook; I was looking for the hooks that mount this thing to my F-15 so we could drop it! That’s all it took, “get off my #@%* plane”. I was promptly escorted out of the hanger, to my Jeep, and sent home. I’ve never touched a “Lawn Dart” since.