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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jul 28, 2009 7:39:36 GMT 9
PONDERISMS
· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 19, 2009 17:28:13 GMT 9
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to finish a text.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* I think that if, years down the road when Im trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Sept 19, 2009 17:41:17 GMT 9
A few more
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOS E.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27 IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
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Bullhunter
Global Moderator 
318th FIS Jet Shop 1975-78
Currently: Offline
Posts: 7,445 
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Joined: May 2005
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Post by Bullhunter on Sept 20, 2009 0:23:44 GMT 9
Those are all good. Keep digging them up.  Think I like this one the best: ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. :god_bless_usa |
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