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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 3, 2010 12:54:10 GMT 9
Tale # 28
Pardon me if I change services for a minute....date was 1986 in the summer I think...
I was working for Ingalls shipbuilding and drydock company in mississippi and was sent with a shipcheck team to Norfolk va. to check the USS Kidd. A destroyer of the Kidd class that was originally supposed to go to the Sha of Iran before his regime fell to the Iatolla. The US Navy kept them when he fell.
The Kidd class destroyers are some really capable destroyers that was coming up on their midlife Overhaul. We arrived and started the job of checking drawings against as built conditions...now these are really big ships...550 ft long....65ft beam...4 jet engines drive them tied thru 2 shafts....
well...I figured after our first day of climbing all over this huge ship, I needed to relieve some stress....so..I went to the gym at the hotel....one of my first mistakes.
I'd figured I was in pretty good shape concidering and this shouldn't be too bad of a work out, so I concentrated on my abs....but...lower back..legs.....
next morning I woke up for breakfast and couldn't move....my body felt like someone had ballpene hammered it from head to foot....litterally I had to roll out onto the floor to get out of bed...I made it to the shower and put as much heat on that I could....now ...imagine if you will your about 90 yrs old....nothing is moving and rigamortise has set in.......that was me....
we got to the ship and I managed to loosen up enough to walk across the brow with my drawings for the day and my flashlight....this morning was the aft magazine....which I had to climb up 2 decks, and down about 6 decks....the magazine is all the way at the bottom of the boat......which I found out really quickly my body had stifffened up again....
every step up was beyond painful....the step down was just as painful but in different parts...I didn't know I had those muscles before...
well..I made it down to the magazine and where the loader was located....when I started my check...I had stumbled onto a pallet and load of canvas bags, fell on my back...and that was it....I was stuck there...couldn't move...my body had locked up and I was stuck on my back at the bottom of a ship!!!......
stayed there for about 6 hrs till somebody came looking for me....there I was sprawled out like a dead rat, and these hillbillies were laughing their butts off that I was stuck there not able to move....
they got me upright, and helped me move up the 6 flights of near vertical stairs......went back to the hotel and got a good bottle of canadian whiskey...a hot tub....and about 6 tylenol for the nite....next day I was still sore but not enough to keep me off the mast of the ship..
that's my story...and I'm sticking with it..
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 2, 2010 10:33:28 GMT 9
Several laughs:
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Carl said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last
request, dear,' he said.
Of course, John,'his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what.. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
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Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Feb 2, 2010 5:35:07 GMT 9
no but I remember a LI sawyer bird smacking one of the hills around Hamilton one sunday night, making a very large smoking hole in the ground.....somewhere in the summer of 1972...
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 31, 2010 13:27:52 GMT 9
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A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No MA'AM !,' he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'
The Marine explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Marine smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 31, 2010 0:29:12 GMT 9
I recall all the excitment about that Soviet Mig years ago until that Soviet LT. flew it to Japan. I read the book, "Mig Pilot". The Soviets really over rated it. I don't think we will have much to worry about. I read that book too....that is one of the greatest books I've ever read.....I particularly liked the part when Victor Bilenko was being driven to the debrief house in Va. and he required them to stop at every grocery store on the way...he couldn't believe that there was that much food available to everyone....and his one comment that stuck in my mind was "America has reached true socialism....anyone can have anything they want....all they have to do is work for it"....that was one of the greatest comments I've ever read........Everyone in America should read that book to understand the soviet mind.... Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 30, 2010 7:32:30 GMT 9
 I believe I may have created a monster. Jim, your gal's comeback line has to go down as one of the all time greats.  Steve, best guess is ole Duff is happily married living in Oregon about to celebrate his 25th aniversary with.... Phil.   hope he didn't go up and make a Broke back mtn!! Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 30, 2010 3:52:12 GMT 9
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 30, 2010 3:14:27 GMT 9
Tale #26 oh man...too funny.... my experience with alchohol on several occasions haven't been pretty.... I had just turned 21 and another one of our troops was having a b-day...I was stationed at Hamilton AFB which is 22 mi north of San Francisco... it was friday and several of us had decided to hit downtown SFO for some partying to celebrate the newbies 21st b-day. We got off work and instantly hit the barracks to change and head downtown for some serious I and I...(intoxication and intercourse), if we could score. We started on one side of broadway and polk streets and headed down the other stopping at just about every place we could get in. One place we hit was a place called Phinoccio's, which at the time we didn't know was a female impersonation establishment. Now by the time we hit this place, most of us were pretty plowed and one guy...a staff sgt named Duffy was especially hammered and getting pretty amorous. When we entered the place we were greeted by (what we thought at the time) was some outstanding looking women ( a bit too much makeup for me) that escorted us down to a few tables...Duffy is playing grab a$$ with one and starts putting the moves on the sh#t(she/he/it...I didn't know what to classify it.).... anyways...Duffy is trying to make time...and for some reason ...(still can't fathom why it came to me) but I noticed that one of the girls duff was making time with had an adams apple!!... well..I leaned over at duffy and said "Hey..that girls a guy!!.." duffy gave me that stupid look that can only be experienced with disbelief and said WHAT THE f#CK??...reached down and grabbed a handful of crotch only to find it was bent backwards somehow!!...AND THE FIGHT WAS ON!!...the next thing I know is about 4 huge gorilla shaped guys came from no where ..there was screaming from every direction....Duffy and all of us were unceremoniously thrown physically out of the bar faster than we could swing a fist!!...took us about 2 hrs to calm Duffy down and then he never could live it down...DUFFY WAS KISSING A GUY!!!......everytime he'd get a little southern tennessee bravado going....we'd just go and make the kissing sound several times and the fight was on.....I can laugh about it now but then I'd never been in a bar fight....... True story.....wonder what ever happened to duff?  ?...... Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 29, 2010 6:31:10 GMT 9
Wow....what a cool story...I always wondered how we gathered the info at that time..
thanks for sharing...
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 26, 2010 13:02:17 GMT 9
ole timers sex
SWANNY leans over and asks BETH, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, BETH says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' SWANNY says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh SWANNY, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
BETH lifts her skirt and SWANNY drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, SWANNY moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, SWANNY is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
:lol
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 26, 2010 8:27:45 GMT 9
Tale #21 oh man..too funny...of course that one reminded me of my time in purgatory..ie GFAFB... like you it was winter...and I had weekend on call...sure enough I get a call..come into LlASON office cuz we have a bird down...you need to find the part now...so... I drive into the base very slowly. The roads were like an ice rink and the winds were gusting up and then dying down. it took me an hr to drive about 2 miles. Once I arrived to the base and slowly made my way to the Hanger where the helo's were stored. I parked my car on the edge of the ramp. Dressed in my huge fur parka and mukluks, I walked right up to the hanger side door. As I reached out for the door knob, a huge gust of wind blew up against the hanger and blew me (125lbs soaking wet) in my inflated winter parka, all the way back to my car and promptly deposited me on my butt....it was the funniest thing and could only be depicted in a movie if you had seen me slidding backwards with my arms out, screaming at the top of my lungs, until I was dropped onto my butt..... I made it back to the door and this time made it inside the hanger, did my work I was called in for...and left to get back to my car... again....the roads are one gigantic sheet of ice.....I start driving slowly to hanger ave. across from the loading docks to supply, and hit the brakes....that's where my life passed before me.. the brakes locked, as I slid thru the intersection , across the street...down the ramp rapidly approaching the loading docks. All the while I'm a passenger in my 66 mustang. So I figure that maybe I can turn or something. I did manage to get the car sideways and believe it or not, i started to slow down until the car stopped about 6" from the dock....that was my learning how to drive on ice lesson came about... ok..one of them anyway...there were too many to remember but that one stood out in my mind the most...  Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 24, 2010 3:40:00 GMT 9
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the U.S. House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you
people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 19, 2010 3:48:13 GMT 9
Man ...you guys were so friggin lucky to work with the alert birds....my barrack's overlooked hanger ave. at hamilton and I'd watch those things take off with flames shooting 50 ft behind them and just as they got to where I could see them...the noses had started to rotate....awesome at nite.....
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 17, 2010 11:41:17 GMT 9
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 17, 2010 2:51:00 GMT 9
actually they were called "daisy cutters" that were used for clearing jungle landing pads....MOAB came later into the 80's and 90's...
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 16, 2010 6:32:16 GMT 9
Tale #8 Geez…I don’t know if I can compete with you guys on this one…but here goes…. This isn’t airplane related…hope it counts since I’m a very diverse person and it is sorta military….haha.. The yr was about 1984 summer at Mare Island Navshpyd…nice warm morning that I loved in northern calif…my normal routine was to come into work..get to my desk and toss my stuff out of my briefcase…sit down..get a cup of tea and then try to dig my drawing out of the safe …about a yr before this time I had been recruited from Electrical systems integration/Submarine design to work in a group called Ocean Engineering..basically a special design group responsible for mods and ship alterations needed to support one of 3 special submarines being developed to spy on the Soviet Union back before the fall of the Berlin Wall…. You see…Reagan had gotten into office and it seemed to us that his whole life’s being was to bring the fall of the Soviet Union to it’s knees at any cost he could get away with…and since we were a black program, we had lotsa money to spend on the mission…to spy on the Soviet Union by developing a few submarines that would go out into Soviet waters and find the underwater telephone cables, then lay a nuclear powered induction device onto the cable laying on the bottom of the seabed. The depths are still classified but if you know anything about diving, you would know that it involved pressurizing a diver down to deep levels and let him breath a mixed gas atmosphere. Helium/nitrogen/oxygen mix…depending on the depth , the combination of gas would be adjusted and monitored ..when they weren’t working..the divers were inside a pressure chamber where they would sleep, eat, shower, and egress the chamber to outside..do the work and return… Well…This one submarine (which is now made into razor blades since it’s retirement) was HIGHLY modified by us…it had sponsons attached to both stbd and port sides near the bottom of the boat on the outside…they were huge!!..the size of train freight cars…the front doors opened up to reveal on one side the dive chamber and bottles of mixed gas..storage areas…on the other side was the handling gear for …a moss…(mobily operated submersible submarine) and all the devices that the CIA had designed to be laid on the bottom of the seabed…of course when the boat was in port…we never got to see them..they are instantly removed when the boat is in dry dock….. Well….my job was electrical design integration…I put stuff into the boat and ran all the cabling to the boxes of the system that I was involved with…underwater lights…cameras….sensors….you name it…I put it in and ran the cables..then would go down and support the shop guys if problems had developed…with all this involvement…there wasn’t a place on the boat that I wasn’t able to get into…including these huge sponsons…. One morning I got a call to come down cuz they were going to test the winch and we also needed to do some work on the port side sponson….…fwd of the sponsons on centerline of the bottom of the boat was located the fwd side thrusters….also located in the thruster was the winch…what they did was ran the cable from the winch to the stbd sponson..used a block and tackle, then up to the side of the submarine hull onto a pad eye …there located off the pad eye was another block and tackle that allowed the cable to hang down where it was attached to some huge concrete blocks for qualifying the system…it had to hold an ungodly amount of weight for a specific amount of time…..they had 4 or 5 huge blocks dangling off the dry dock deck and it was all roped off for safety incase the cable snapped…… Well..my lead and I had gone down to look at a system installation and verify it was installed properly and also to watch the lift.…our path involved crossing the safety line and had to get permission from the dock master …who said ok but make it a fast cross….we got into the area we wanted to be and started our work….the lift was on the stbd sponson and we were on the port…about an hr into our work assignment we heard this awful crash that shook the entire boat….I thought it might be an earth quake….I mean we ARE in California and prone to earthquakes…right??.. Then there was screaming and guys running all over the place….we stuck our heads out just in time to see this headless body take about 3 steps and fall fwd….I was frozen…..I couldn’t believe what I saw!!!....what had happened, we learned, was this worker had jumped the safety barriers and was walking across the area of the lift….the cable snapped and what was free of the cable had acted like a Bullwhip….it hit this guy in the head and blew it off like a tomato being hit with a 30cal round from a rifle….just blew it right off…the body, was still under orders from the brain that was no longer there kept walking for about 5-6 paces with blood shooting straight up from the exposed veins…..that is until the body ran out of blood and collapsed…..it was a mess around the dry dock…people screaming orders….yelling for help…..then sirens from emergency trucks… We got told to stay where we were , the accident investigation started up and the body was removed after a bizzillion photo’s were taken by Navy NCIS….we had to write down what we saw..what we were doing there in the first place (our jobs) and then we were interviewed by NCIS for any other clues to what happened….man…I never want to go thru that again…..but the main problem with this whole thing other than loosing a dock worker and the loss to his family….was to see this headless body keep walking……there is just no describing it….I have tried several times to tell the story and you just can’t imagine it in a bad horror movie until your there….. My lead and I finally got back to our desks after we were told not to talk about what happened…had to sign a ton of documents….interviewed several times by NCIS….then sign some more stuff…. The submarine went on to perform it’s missions with distinction and honor….the information that it gleaned from underwater cable taps told the President that the Soviets were more afraid of us than we were of them, and the capabilities of their military was far worse than we had been lead to believe…..which gave President Reagan the information to contact Gorbechov for a meeting in Iceland, that lead to the Great “Bring down that wall” speech Reagan gave in Berlin about 1 or 2 yrs later…… The missions of the USS Parche, SSN 683 are still classified….but I had a teeny/small/tiny part in the fall of the soviet empire….that I can be proud of ….but it was a cost of a few lives in accidents to build such an incredible machine to do it…..this was only one life that was lost that I personally know of…. Steve  |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 14, 2010 14:10:33 GMT 9
Jim,,,It has too be about an aircraft? Can't just be about a military experance? Glad you asked that...I was gonna have to lie or something... Steve |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 14, 2010 1:55:23 GMT 9
not a brown short moment...but one of my funnier incidents
1975 I'm on dorm guard duty...somehow I got it twice in one year...anyway...it was saturday nite and the weather was warm at travis afb. The nite was clear and calm...really warm to say the least but that was Northern Calif in the summer time.
Our barrack was along the North Gate fence I think. ..it's been a long time so I'm pretty sure that's the direction and as some might remember..Travis was leased to the AF from this Sheep Farmer for a 99yr lease...his family at the time still raised sheep and they would graze along the fence at times...
Well..bout 2:30 or 3am I am making rounds and hear the sheep running from one end of the fence to the other...I had stepped out of the door to take in some air and heard the sheep running one way..and then the other...then I shined my flashlight onto the fence to see hanging up a set of AF greenie uniform...then I caught this flash go by of some nut in his combat boots running around drunk as a skunk...chasing the sheep...now...I'm from Fla and have never seen anything like this in my life...so...I called the base cops....they come out and tried calling to this idiot, that's as drunk as he was and able to climb a fence...stripped down...and was chasing sheep to shag...
of course they couldn't go over the fence to get this nut..so....yep...you guessed it....they called the Solano county sherriff's office which sent a squad car out to get this nut.....by now he's tripped and fallen into the dirt.....breathing hard...sweaty as all get out..then... here comes the sherriff...bout now this idiot gets a second wind and starts running thru the field all the while BUCK NEKKED in his combat boots with the keystone sherriff in hot pursuit.....tripping over sheep...sheep Sh#t...dirt....and anything else that was in that field...when the sherriff finally got him after backup showed up....they weren't kind to this guy....they were mad as hell for messing up their nice crisp uniforms....
I don't remember what happened too him...but I have to think that the Sqdn commander was called up at 4am to go get this clown out of jail.....
me and the cops were laughing so hard we could hardly stand up....
true story guys.....
Steve
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 12, 2010 12:16:41 GMT 9
Yeah...we had those trips too...but I got on the missile escort ride... like you..loved the take off also...the ride back to the ramp was fun....that's for another story...haha Steve steve201, I loved the story about your ride in a Huey. I took a ride on one when I was at Minot. My pilot must not have been in Vietnam because he didn't do any of the things you described. I did like the take-offs where he stood it up on it's nose and went parallel to the ground for a bit before lifting. The mission was shuttling missile crews back and forth from base to silos and back. It was about three hours long and I enjoyed each minute. We even chased a herd of antelope across a field. Otherwise pretty uneventful. Still a good ride, though. There was one disappointment, I would have been allowed to ride up front but they needed to check out another pilot so I got to ride with the missile crews. Rowdy bunch of guys. Probably from being stuck in that hole on the ground for as long as they had to be there. |
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Post by steve201 (deceased) on Jan 12, 2010 12:12:49 GMT 9
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I believe I may have created a monster.
?......
