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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 7, 2013 22:58:46 GMT 9
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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Post by Jim on Feb 9, 2013 3:04:16 GMT 9
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'
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Post by Jim on Feb 11, 2013 4:56:23 GMT 9
Food Tasting at COSTCOs:
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Post by pat perry on Feb 11, 2013 13:44:34 GMT 9
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Post by Jim on Feb 12, 2013 10:19:49 GMT 9
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (Hey.....You just can't make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV,
his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
And all this time you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
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Deleted
Currently: Offline
Posts: 0
Location:
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2013 13:05:25 GMT 9
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre . After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano It was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" Said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"$hit" said Claude.
It took them 3 days to clean up the mess in the Senior Citizen's Center.
And Claude was never invited to entertain again!
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Post by pat perry on Feb 15, 2013 1:06:59 GMT 9
Apparently a carving expert wanted to give his Honey a unique gift for Valentines Day. It's a Watermelon Valentine. I guess you could pour it full of Vodka, chill for a couple of hours and use two straws to share the date.  Pat P. Attachment Deleted |
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Post by LBer1568 on Feb 15, 2013 8:57:49 GMT 9
The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your
brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went
to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer..
Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked,
"Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child
and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON IN OUR WHITE HOUSE!!!
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Post by pat perry on Feb 16, 2013 12:56:19 GMT 9
This new product was introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show last year in Las Vegas. The booth was well visited by older gentlemen who seemed to immediately grasp the importance of this significant breakthrough in computer keyboards. The press gave it little coverage. Attachment Deleted |
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Post by falconkeeper on Feb 20, 2013 0:53:22 GMT 9
Think real hard about this quote.
Everybody with half a brain is coming to California.
Gov. Jerry Brown, in answer to Texas Gov. Rick Perry via ocregister.com
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Post by LBer1568 on Feb 21, 2013 4:29:51 GMT 9
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME
SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,....... Me and Virgil, T-Bone
and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo
and a gallon of sweet tea. Be back in an
hour. Don't mess with the pit
bulls. They got the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't
think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait outside. Be
right back.
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Post by pat perry on Feb 23, 2013 4:39:42 GMT 9
NASA and the Navajo
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give
to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing
the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these a$$holes. They have come to steal your land."
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Post by pat perry on Feb 23, 2013 5:28:23 GMT 9
These are some new Pilot/Controller exchanges I haven't seen before
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British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
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ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."
Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
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Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
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Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
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Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
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ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, crap! You have traffic!
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O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
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ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
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Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
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Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
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Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
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Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
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Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
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BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
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Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
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Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
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Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
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Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
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Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
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Deleted
Currently: Offline
Posts: 0
Location:
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2013 3:18:13 GMT 9
A Reading from Genesis:
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.
Then he made the earth round....
And he laughed and laughed and laughed...
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 26, 2013 4:26:37 GMT 9
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 26, 2013 4:27:27 GMT 9
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m a gonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, “Kin ya swaller?” Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, “Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt!
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick maneuver always works.”
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 26, 2013 4:28:02 GMT 9
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years.
On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood.
As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.
He knew that this woman’s husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, “When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, ‘screw him, give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 26, 2013 4:30:31 GMT 9
The Facelift!
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday, she spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”
There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.”
Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Feb 27, 2013 9:02:19 GMT 9
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 10 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight or lantern with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump leads
I felt like (I was) a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
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Post by Jim on Feb 28, 2013 11:11:29 GMT 9
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take: - Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag - Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves - 24 hours supply of food and drink - De-icer - 10 lbs of rock salt - Flashlight or lantern with spare batteries - Road flares and reflective triangles - Tow rope - 5 gallon gas can - First aid kit - Jump leads I felt like (I was) a complete idiot on the bus this morning. MIGHT BE A JOKE, BUT if you were stationed at Loring, you had better have these things, plus your mukluks, parka, bunny pants and big mittens in your trunk. They had random checks, and if it was snowing, they stopped every vehicle....... |
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