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Post by Jim on Jan 17, 2013 4:53:40 GMT 9
A young cowboy from Wyoming went off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing ! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk !"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program ?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the cours e."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son ?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read !"
"Read !?" says his father, "No kidding ! How do we get Blue in that program ?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue ? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk !"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the road ?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother !"
"I sure did, Dad !"
"That's my boy !"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman.......
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff 
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075 
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 17, 2013 10:57:13 GMT 9
Old Timers Bar
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Minnesota.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."
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Post by Jim on Jan 18, 2013 0:30:54 GMT 9
>
>
> A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
>
> The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
>
> The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
>
> The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
>
> The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
>
> The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
>
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Post by Jim on Jan 19, 2013 0:53:35 GMT 9
AIN"T sure this is a joke...........................
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Post by LBer1568 on Jan 20, 2013 2:49:18 GMT 9
I wish this were a joke...
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Post by Jim on Jan 22, 2013 12:07:13 GMT 9
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General
Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it
returned, the interview was over.
I would pay money to have seen her face…
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 22, 2013 19:00:26 GMT 9
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!" 
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Post by LBer1568 on Jan 23, 2013 1:01:25 GMT 9
The Americans With No Abilities
Act
President Barack Obama and the Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will
provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is
being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of
Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to
carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen.
Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to
be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be
able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they
have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service,
which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to
performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills,
making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability.
The Transportation Security Agency was a close runner up. Under the act, it
will be perfectly acceptable to be in second place.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include
retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and
home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level,
the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons
with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions
will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility,
thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward
mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides
substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of
Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax
credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or
experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something
going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister
at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty,
lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally
have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other
untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the
tunnel.
Said Vice President Joe Biden: "As an ex-senator with no abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and
every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of
space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing
so." |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2013 2:05:45 GMT 9
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him.
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Post by pat perry on Jan 28, 2013 7:21:58 GMT 9
I think this is old joke brought up to date by the author.
When former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied. Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot, "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."
McChrystal replied, "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army that I'd never stand in line again."
Ed Schriber
Col. USMC (Ret.)
"Semper Fi"
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Jim Scanlon (deceased)
Senior Staff
FORUM CHAPLAIN
Commander South Texas outpost of the County Sligo Squadron
Currently: Offline
Posts: 5,075
Location:
Joined: July 2007
Retired: USAF
NBA: Spurs
NFL: Niners
MLB: Giants
NHL: Penguins
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Post by Jim Scanlon (deceased) on Jan 28, 2013 10:26:30 GMT 9
Back in the days when Hollywood studios were making lots of "Biblical" epics, two studio executives were discussing why they were making these pictures.
One said the "Biblical" pictures did well financially.
The other agreed, and asked how much is friend knew about the Bible.
His response was: "Quite a bit, that's why my pictures do so well."
The other exec. said: "I'll bet you 50 Bucks you don't know The Lord's Prayer".
The exec. said: "I certainly do."
"Say it to me, then", said the other exec.
"O.K.; Now I lay me down to sleep......"
The other exec. interuppted, handed him the $50, and said: "You really do know the Bible."
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 28, 2013 23:38:17 GMT 9
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over and asks: "Um... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!" Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says: "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200?!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 28, 2013 23:40:20 GMT 9
Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people.
I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them.
So, the bus is just going along, and the driver fucks up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck.
Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker.
Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise.
So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is.
After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous."
Now the next person hears this, and starts freaking out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome.
This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone.
Then the guy at the end starts laughing his butt off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the ?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on.
Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering what is up.
So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is.
The guy calms down, stands up, and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 28, 2013 23:42:34 GMT 9
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Jan 28, 2013 23:48:00 GMT 9
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Deleted
Currently: Offline
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2013 9:09:34 GMT 9
THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME
People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation .
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers .
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called - Generation Y .
Why do we call the last group - Generation Y ? Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?
Just thought you might want to know "Y" we ended up with OBAMA for four more years!!!! |
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Post by Jim on Jan 29, 2013 12:49:43 GMT 9
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't
have been right, because everyone else
laughed.
My parents told me
to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite
animal.
I
told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a
member of PETA.
He said they love animals very
much.
I do, too.
Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to
the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he
laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next
day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live
animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I
told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He
laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't
understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to
tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel
Sanders."
Guess where I am
now...
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<wbr><wbr> <wbr><wbr> |
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Post by Jim on Jan 29, 2013 13:00:15 GMT 9
in post #1186 what does this mean? It wasn't there til I edited it close the gaps between the paragraphs |
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Post by pat perry on Jan 31, 2013 1:06:05 GMT 9
Our guys who hunt up in the Great Northwest need to watch out for this looming danger in the woods.  Pat P. |
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Post by Jeff Shannon on Feb 6, 2013 0:40:56 GMT 9
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!”
Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him.”
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead,
Dopey, ask him, ask him!”
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.” The Pope tells him to go ahead
and ask.
Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.” The others
all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!”
The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues,
“Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes.”
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah….. are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing,
and yelling, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”
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